I've never fell in love over heels with anyone in my entire life. Okay, many may react on this statement, but really, thinking back on those people I though i've loved, made me realized that it was just an infatuation, or if i really loved them, it wasn't that deep enough though.
But there are certain people in my life that i've loved so much, i'm willing to give up my life for their sake. Some are called friends (and I mean close, best friends) and another is family (the ones whom you are related by blood). And this blog will talk about the second category: my family.
* * *
We're 5 in the family - Dad, Mom, my Ate Kj and Kirby, the youngest and only son. We're not that well-off, neither that poor. We just have enough for our basic needs and sometimes, a little extra for luxuries.
I may not have the best things a girl like me should have while growing up, but I must say that I enjoyed my childhood very much (oh well, there are some areas that i don't). My parents have allowed us their children, to grow freely and enjoy our childhood - playing street games outside like patintero, shato and piko, bathing in rain and selling palamig during summer - among many other things. It was during these times that I grew independently and allowed me to be exposed to the world early. In school, even if Mom is always called in the office because of our misbehaviors (i have the least number of times since I always asked my sister to come instead of Mom... haha), I never heard our parents to ground us or do anything to punish. They just always say that "you are responsible with your actions and whatever you do, will greatly affect your life". I like that way of allowing us to grow, coz it worked for me.
As we grow older and have our own choices, my parents always support me in every decision that I make. Oh well, with my dad, yes. But with mom... hmmm... we always fight. A LOT. I remember that there were times that when we disagree, sometimes, i just choose to sleepover in my friend's house just to stay away from her usual sermons. In college, she wanted me to take up Nursing, but I wanted Psychology 'coz I idolized my Tita. And because Dad supported me, I got the course I wanted! I even entered in the school I targeted, even if she wanted me to study in UE or FEU where my parents studied. With my dad, i'm a brat. But with mom, i'm the black sheep.
I grew up always arguing with Mom. We never had any conversation without any debate. We always clashed. But whenever we need anything, it's always each other that we run to, to ask help.
When I decided to go on mission abroad, it was more difficult to ask permission from Mom than Dad. It's like I always need to prove myself to her. Maybe because we grew up like that. But when I was in Costa Rica, she always makes sure that she can call or email me, checking on me even if she still nagged me over an overseas call. (oh, remembering it was soooo funny!)
I still want to type more mushy stories about my family especially my parents, but I think you already got my point: that my family, especially my parents are my pillars of strength. They are God's manifestations of great love for me. That even if we fight, or I made mistakes, they still accept me for who I am and loves me the best way they could.
* * *
And then Mom was hit by deadly disease called the Big C or relatively known as Cancer.
I was loss with words when I found out. First, how should one react when they found out the person closest to them - like their mom - was stricken with this kind of disease? And second, at what extent does mom is affected?
Then everything was so fast - operation, chemotherapy, doctors visits, lab tests... I thought the cycle won't end. But after 6 chemos, we went back to the doctor and found out her body didn't respond.
There was no time to relax and be passive with the situation. We found the right doctors and at the right time (like Wednesday last week), Mom got the operation she needed. And sadly, tumors spread out. And this time in her kidney and tummy. And nothing can be done.
How do you face such news? How should you feel in a situation like this? When the doctor told me the real score, i felt like someone threw a pail of ice-cold water on my face. I was speechless. I went to the hospital chapel and poured my heart out. I never asked God. Nor complained. I believed He prepared me for this. It's just difficult to grasp. To carry.
But God has his own way. It is through His grace that I was able to understand it. And for my family to take it. And only through His grace that we are able to carry it with a smile in our face and a faith that God is taking care of us and seeing us through.
* * *
As I said earlier, Mom wanted me to take up Nursing but I didn't. It's because I don't like cleaning other people. I just don't like it. But with my Mom's condition... it's not that I have a choice. But I chose to do it because of my love for her.
I never saw Mom in this state of pain (even when she was having her chemo). She was always wearing a smile even if people were teasing her as bald-headed (because of chemo). She never complained (maybe I got that trait from her). but this time, I know that when she complains that she's feeling pain, I know that it's just too much to bear. And seeing her crawl in pain at times, or just hang on to you when she tries to stand up, really makes your heart break. but you have to put a smile on your face and a word of encouragement to lift her spirit.
After the operation, she has lost her appetite because of the tumors in her tummy. And now, we have to feed her through a tube in her tummy. At first, i can't accept the fact that we have to feed her through that, especially seeing my brother doing that. For a moment, I was in a denial mode. But when it was my turn to do it and I had no choice... I must say that it made me love my mom more. And cleaning her wounds (without me getting dizzy nor nauseated) is a big sacrifice for me, but I will do it over and over again> Whenever I do these things for her, it made me remember those times she was taking care of me when I'm sick (most especially when I was operated last year) and how she fought for me when everyone around her wanted me to be aborted because they were in the wrong place. She fought for me, she gave her life for me. So, who am I not to give mine for her? For I only have one mom, one real mom, who carried me for nine months in her womb and took care of me and became a big contributor to who I am right now?
I know that taking a 2-week leave from work is not enough to show my love for her. But I hope that on these days that we're together, may I show to her how much I appreciate her; how much I am thankful to God to her; share to her God's awesome love by reading the daily scriptures, having a reflection and praying time with her; and if God would take her early than expected, prepare her, and us, by giving her our time, our love and life just to make her happy and feel loved.
Now that love is tested because of my Mom's sickness, I realized that I can do anything for her for she's worth all my love and all my life... just to see her fulfilled and cherished.
I love you Mom. And I love you Lord for seeing us worthy to carry this cross with You. Be with us, Amen.
Last March 2010 during our coffee date with Lorraine
do we look alike? =)
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