Enamorame (falling in love)

My favorite Worship song in Spanish, sung by Jesus Adrian Romero and Abel Zavala

*  *  *

Quiero entregarte mis sueños (I want to entrust to You my dreams)
Tu voluntad has de ellos (And let Your will be done)
Mi corazon te lo entrego (I also entrust to you my heart)
Enamorame de ti (For I'm falling in love with You)

Quiero aprender a escucharte (I want tp learn how to listen to You)
Quiero saber que es amarte (I want to know how to love You)
De tu verdad yo saciarme (Your truth fills me)
Enamorame de ti señor (For i'm falling in love with You)

coro

Que tu precencia me inunde (Your presence fills me in)
Haz de mi un hombre nuevo (Make me a new man)
Cambiame renuevame (change me, renew me)
Enamorame, enamorame de ti Señor (For I'm falling in love with you my Lord)

ang mga walang kwentang usapan...

... ay minsan, yun pa ang kelangan para matanggal lang ang isip sa napakaraming bagay na gumugulo dito.

Salamat joanne, sa walang kwentang usapan kanina. At least, nagkaroon naman ng variety ang araw ko ngayon.

*   *   *

Na-miss ko tuloy bigla si Elena.

Siya ang isa sa mga kaibigan ko

na kahit walang kwenta ang pinapag-usapan,

ay nauuwi pa rin sa malalim na kwentuhan.

Asan na kaya siya?

*   *   *

when love is tested, you'll realize their worth... more

I've never fell in love over heels with anyone in my entire life. Okay, many may react on this statement, but really, thinking back on those people I though i've loved, made me realized that it was just an infatuation, or if i really loved them, it wasn't that deep enough though.

But there are certain people in my life that i've loved so much, i'm willing to give up my life for their sake. Some are called friends (and I mean close, best friends) and another is family (the ones whom you are related by blood). And this blog will talk about the second category: my family.

*   *   *

We're 5 in the family - Dad, Mom, my Ate Kj and Kirby, the youngest and only son. We're not that well-off, neither that poor. We just have enough for our basic needs and sometimes, a little extra for luxuries. 

I may not have the best things a girl like me should have while growing up, but I must say that I enjoyed my childhood very much (oh well, there are some areas that i don't). My parents have allowed us their children, to grow freely and enjoy our childhood - playing street games outside like patintero, shato and piko, bathing in rain and selling palamig during summer - among many other things. It was during these times that I grew independently and allowed me to be exposed to the world early. In school, even if Mom is always called in the office because of our misbehaviors (i have the least number of times since I always asked my sister to come instead of Mom... haha), I never heard our parents to ground us or do anything to punish. They just always say that "you are responsible with your actions and whatever you do, will greatly affect your life". I like that way of allowing us to grow, coz it worked for me. 

As we grow older and have our own choices, my parents always support me in every decision that I make. Oh well, with my dad, yes. But with mom... hmmm... we always fight. A LOT. I remember that there were times that when we disagree, sometimes, i just choose to sleepover in my friend's house just to stay away from her usual sermons. In college, she wanted me to take up Nursing, but I wanted Psychology 'coz I idolized my Tita. And because Dad supported me, I got the course I wanted! I even entered in the school I targeted, even if she wanted me to study in UE or FEU where my parents studied. With my dad, i'm a brat. But with mom, i'm the black sheep.

I grew up always arguing with Mom. We never had any conversation without any debate. We always clashed. But whenever we need anything, it's always each other that we run to, to ask help.

When I decided to go on mission abroad, it was more difficult to ask permission from Mom than Dad. It's like I always need to prove myself to her. Maybe because we grew up like that. But when I was in Costa Rica, she always makes sure that she can call or email me, checking on me even if she still nagged me over an overseas call. (oh, remembering it was soooo funny!)

I still want to type more mushy stories about my family especially my parents, but I think you already got my point: that my family, especially my parents are my pillars of strength. They are God's manifestations of great love for me. That even if we fight, or I made mistakes, they still accept me for who I am and loves me the best way they could. 

*   *   *

And then Mom was hit by deadly disease called the Big C or relatively known as Cancer.

I was loss with words when I found out. First, how should one react when they found out the person closest to them - like their mom - was stricken with this kind of disease? And second, at what extent does mom is affected?

Then everything was so fast - operation, chemotherapy, doctors visits, lab tests... I thought the cycle won't end. But after 6 chemos, we went back to the doctor and found out her body didn't respond. 

There was no time to relax and be passive with the situation. We found the right doctors and at the right time (like Wednesday last week), Mom got the operation she needed. And sadly, tumors spread out. And this time in her kidney and tummy. And nothing can be done.

How do you face such news? How should you feel in a situation like this? When the doctor told me the real score, i felt like someone threw a pail of ice-cold water on my face. I was speechless. I went to the hospital chapel and poured my heart out. I never asked God. Nor complained. I believed He prepared me for this. It's just difficult to grasp. To carry.

But God has his own way. It is through His grace that I was able to understand it. And for my family to take it. And only through His grace that we are able to carry it with a smile in our face and a faith that God is taking care of us and seeing us through.

*   *   *

As I said earlier, Mom wanted me to take up Nursing but I didn't. It's because I don't like cleaning other people. I just don't like it. But with my Mom's condition... it's not that I have a choice. But I chose to do it because of my love for her.

I never saw Mom in this state of pain (even when she was having her chemo). She was always wearing a smile even if people were teasing her as bald-headed (because of chemo). She never complained (maybe I got that trait from her). but this time, I know that when she complains that she's feeling pain, I know that it's just too much to bear. And seeing her crawl in pain at times, or just hang on to you when she tries to stand up, really makes your heart break. but you have to put a smile on your face and a word of encouragement to lift her spirit. 

After the operation, she has lost her appetite because of the tumors in her tummy. And now, we have to feed her through a tube in her tummy. At first, i can't accept the fact that we have to feed her through that, especially seeing my brother doing that. For a moment, I was in a denial mode. But when it was my turn to do it and I had no choice... I must say that it made me love my mom more. And cleaning her wounds (without me getting dizzy nor nauseated) is a big sacrifice for me, but I will do it over and over again> Whenever I do these things for her, it made me remember those times she was taking care of me when I'm sick (most especially when I was operated last year) and how she fought for me when everyone around her wanted me to be aborted because they were in the wrong place. She fought for me, she gave her life for me. So, who am I not to give mine for her? For I only have one mom, one real mom, who carried me for nine months in her womb and took care of me and became a big contributor to who I am right now?

I know that taking a 2-week leave from work is not enough to show my love for her. But I hope that on these days that we're together, may I show to her how much I appreciate her; how much I am thankful to God to her; share to her God's awesome love by reading the daily scriptures, having a reflection and praying time with her; and if God would take her early than expected, prepare her, and us, by giving her our time, our love and life just to make her happy and feel loved. 

Now that love is tested because of my Mom's sickness, I realized that I can do anything for her for she's worth all my love and all my life... just to see her fulfilled and cherished. 

I love you Mom. And I love you Lord for seeing us worthy to carry this cross with You. Be with us, Amen.

Last year, before Mom's operation

Last March 2010 during our coffee date with Lorraine

do we look alike? =)

I miss...

... adobo

... cooking

... plato de casado

... going to office

... mission trips

... KFL team and other missionaries

... Sabine and Aida, and Reese

... Costa Rica
... driving around

... Teny and KD
... Tia Marissa and her wisdom and kakikayan

... going out and gimik

... spontaneous trips

... going to mass everyday

... kiligin

... dating
... long drives
... chill-out with best friends

... speaking Spanish

... berks

... a simpler life

... el. 

... a whole day of bumming around

... cold water while taking a bath

... laughing at silly jokes and non-sense talks

... a lot, lot more.

this happens when my mind is not multi-tasking and I just need to focus on one thing. 

old habits die hard. ang hirap!

i think i need a break

from the everyday routine, from physical and emotional stress of our family situation, from the desire to do things that I want but can't, and from being overwhelmed of everything that is happening in my country, in my missionary life, in my family, in me.

but right now, I know that I just can't. I have to postpone it. so that I won't hear any word of complain. of accusation. of... whatever.

so Lord, hold me. help me retain my sanity. teach me to smile when i feel tired. allow me to still be thankful when i feel like complaining. and grant me a big heart to love, when i want to give up.

coz i know, that I won't be able to do anything without you Lord.

Amen.

Starstrucked Philippines

I cannot believe that the Pinoys really voted for Noynoy as President. And Erap as his closest contender?!?! C'mon!

Then look at our senatoriables. No. 1 on the list is an action star, followed by another action star and another one is still on Top 12. In Congress, a lot of actors are running and winning - Lani Mercado for Cavite and Lucy Torres for Ormoc; and for the LGUs, even a lot more!!!

What happened to the Filipinos?

Are values and moral issues not important anymore, being the only Catholic country in Asia?

Is Philippine elections just a popularity contest, not (a contest) of integrity, of competence, of honesty and of principles?

I am disappointed of the outcome of the elections. Not because my bets didn't win, but because of the choices the people made.

But I won't stop on just being disappointed. 

I will fight. I will do whatever I can to contribute to a better Philippines. 

Bring back the values. the importance of life. Fight for the significant issues that will benefit a lot of Pinoys, not only those in power - poverty, education, family.

In my little ways, I hope that I may be of help. It may not be for the whole country, but at least for the people around me.

kung mahalaga sa iyo, protektahan at ipaglaban mo.

Katatapos ko lang manood ng korean-novela na "What star did you come from?" na inupuan ko ng 7 oras (at di pa siya tapos. may 5 oras pa). Nakakatuwa yung palabas dahil andaming twist, at ang maganda kasi sa mga korean-novelas o movies ay yung pagiging unpredictable nila (unlike ng mga Pinoy teleseryes at movies natin). 

Isa dun sa mga remarkable scene sa korean-novela ay yung niyaya nung girl yung guy na pumunta sa isang football stadium dahil akala nung girl may football game. Pagdating nila dun, wala palang game. Kaya naman sila pumunta dahil malungkot yung guy dahil death anniversary ng girlfriend niya. Sabi nung girl, kapag malungkot siya nanunuod lang ito ng football game para sumaya siya.

Nakaka-relate ako sa girl. Football fan ako nung college. Liverpool ang team ko sa FIFA. Naalala ko pa na nagcu-cutting classes pa ako para makauwi ng maaga ng maabutan ko naman ang game ng Liverpool. Kahit di ko naiintindihan yung rules nung laro, gusto ko pa rin manuod. Niatigil lang ang pagiging football fanatic ko nung nawalan na kami ng cable.

Hindi ko inakala na maibabalik yung pagiging fan ko nung pumunta ako sa Costa Rica. Ito ang kanilang national sport. Kapag finals na o kaya laban sa ibang bansa, tumitigil ang mundo nila - pati ang mga activities rin, tumitigil. Naalala ko nga, may isang activity kami, Talk 2 ng Covenant orientation (pa nun), isa lang ang dumating dahil lahat nanuod ng game.  

Favorite ko ang Saprissa, isa sa mga magagaling sa Costa Rica. Sa sobrang pagiging fan, bumili talaga ako ng football jersey. Nakikiupo talaga ako sa mga members namin manuod ng games nila, at tulod nila, tumitigil din ang mundo ko. Iba kasi ang excitement - kahit ang tagal ng pasahan ng bola, kapag naka-goal naman, kala mo nanalo ka rin ng lotto. Ang galing lang kasi kung paano nila gina-guard yung bola para di mapunta sa kalaban, at paulit-ulit nila ginagawa yung sa loob ng 90 minutos. Ang galing! 

*   *   *

Isa ka ba dun sa mga batang pinangarap maging presidente ng bansa niya paglaki niya?

Isa ako dun. Siguro mga 5 o 6 na taon ako nun, nung natanong ako ng gusto ko maging paglaki. Di ko maalala kung bakit ko ginusto yun, pero siguro dahil lagi ko nakikita si Cory Aquino nun sa TV at ang dami niyang bodyguards. Nung mga panahong iyon, gusto ko maging ganun.

Habang lumalaki ka na at naiintindihan mo na ang mga bagay-bagay sa paligid mo, nag-iiba na rin ang gusto mo. Gaya ng kagustuhan ko maging presidente. Pero kahit ganun, nagkaroon naman ako ng mas malaking paki-elam sa politika ng Pilipinas. Nag-volunteer ako sa PPCRV nung 1998 at 2004. Nang malaman kong pwede na akong bumoto nung 2204, dali-dali akong nagpa-rehistro sa Comelec sa QC Hall para makaboto. Nung lumipat naman kami ng Cainta, nilakad ko na  rin agad ang pagpapalipat ng rehistro ko.

Bakit ba sabik ako sa pagboto?

Una, dahil mahal ko ang Pilipinas. KAhit madumi at corrupt ito, wala pa ring papantay sa kagandahan ng bansa at kabutihang asal at pagiging Katoliko ng mga Pilipino.

Pangalawa, gusto kong pumili ng magiging lider ng bansa ko. Hindi man ako makatakbo bilang politiko at makagawa ng isang batas, at least, makakapili ako ng pwedeng mag-represent sa tao ng mga gusto naming mangyari sa bansa upang umunlad at mapangalagaan ito.

Nag-iisa man ang boto ko, pero alam ko mahalaga ito.

Kaya kanina, bumoto uli ako. Handang-handa na ako sa init (may dala akong paypay, payong at shades) at sa mahabang pila (may dala akong libro). Unang beses kong bumoto sa Cainta kaya excited din ako. Lalong-lalo na sobra akong apektado sa magiging outcome ng eleksiyon dahil hindi lang kinabukasan ko ang nakataya dito, pero kinabukasan ng magiging pamilya ko.

Ang bilis ng pangyayari pagdating ko. Parang hindi ko pa ata nagra-grasp kung ano yung nangyayari, tapos na. Natapos na ako bumoto. Ganun kabilis. Pero masaya ako, dahil alam ko na yung binoto ko ay ang mga taong ipapaglaban at pro-protektahan ang 2 sa mga pinakamahalaga paea sa akin - buhay at pamilya. Kaya kahit isang boto lang, naibigay ko naman ang kontribusyon ko sa aking bansa.

*   *   *

Lalabas na si Mommy sa ospital mamaya. Yehey! Kahit may aircon at cable tv ang kwarto niya, iba pa rin ang pakiramdam ng nasa ospital. Mas dama ko na may sakit siya. At minsan, di ko maiwasang isipin na ako rin pala, may sakit.

Nang sinabi ng doctor kung ano yung prognosis niya kay Mom, sari-saring emosyon ang naramdaman ko - natulala at nabigla, at ang pakiramdam na nagpapasalamat dahil alam mong hindi ka pababayaan ng Diyos. Nang mahimasmasan na ako, dun ko lang naisip na hindi ko kayang matanggap yung sinabi ng doctor. Kaya hanggang ngayon, naghahanap pa rin ako ng mga paraan kung anong gagawin sa kanya.

Sabi nga ng pari kahapon, "kung mahal mo, hindi sapat na sabihin mo lang; dapat ipakita mo!"

Kaya nagdasal ako at nag-decide na uunahin ko muna ang pamilya ko, ang mommy ko - kaya magle-leave ako sa office ng 2 linggo. Mahirap dahil may mga naka-planong mission trips pero kailangan mong i-set din ang priorities mo. At para sa akin, pamilya ang priority ko dahil yun naman ang tawag sa atin ng Panginoon.

*   *   *

Football.

Elections. 

Family.

Iba't-ibang tema. Pero iisa lang ang gustong tumbukin.

Kahit anong bagay o tao na para sa iyo, mahalaga ito,

gagwin mo ang lahat

para protektahan

at ipaglaban ito.

Kaya kailangan mong malaman kung anong mahalaga sa iyo.

Para sa akin, mahalaga ang Diyos, pamilya, kaibigan, trabaho bansa at buhay ko.

At sa mga bagay na ito umiikot ang mundo ko. ang mga prinsipyo ko. ang mga pinaninidigan ko.

Kaya kahit anong mangyari, ipaglalaban ko ito. 

Dahil eto ang mga bagay na mahal ko. Eto ang mga bagay na humuhubog sa kung sino ako.

Ole! (6x) - Saprissa, one of Costa Rica's finest football team (and my favorite!)

Ang botante: 20 mins lang!

Si Tita Khyme at Beats

Swap shirts: Kasya yung mga damit namin sa isa't-isa!

I am God's favorite: my own version of the story of Job

Have you read the story of Job? He is a fictional character in the Bible that was described as "a blameless and upright man who feared God and shunned evil" (Job 1:1). But God has allowed Satan to do anything he wants to Job, but with one condition: Satan shouldn't lay one finger to Job. So many catastrophes have happened to Job: death of his children, lost of his properties, sickness for himself - and he has every reason to complain and blame God for every disaster in His life! But He didn't; "In spite of this calamity, Job did not sin by blaspheming God." (Job 1:22)

*  *  * 

These days, I feel like I am God's favorite, that I am Job.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am blameless nor an upright woman who feared God and shunned evil as what the Bible has described Job. I'm still too far from that.

What I want to say is that, I feel like Job because of the continuous trials that's coming my way.

One after another. You haven't recovered yet from the previous trial, then here comes another.

It's difficult. Heartbreaking. Let me share to you why.

*  *  *

I experienced my Job-like life last year. 

First was my operation in May.

Then Lola's hospitalization in June then eventually she died in September.

Then my Mom was operated last September then found out she has Stage 3 cancer.

And it continued this year:

Mom underwent Chemotheraphy and ended last February.

My cousin had a car accident last March that caused him a finger and financial obligations.

I found out that I have new set of cysts again two weeks ago.

And then now, while writing this, Mom just got operated and as what the doctor said, the findings weren't that good. 

Finances were not that good either. 

My brother is still studying.

We just finished the chemotheraphy sessions and that dried up our finances.

Our jobs are not that income-generating. (My parents are both government employees and I am a missionary)

If you are in my shoes, what will you do?

*   *   *

After the doctor explained to me the findings they had during the operation, I went straight to the chapel.

The first thing that I said to God was "Hanep ka talaga Lord! Talagang pinapa-feel mo sa akin na ako talaga si Job!" (Awesome indeed you are, Lord! You're really allowing me to feel that I am Job!)

Amazingly, I never questioned God. 

I just knew that He allowed these things to happen because He is my God. He knows best.

And I know that He is with us during this time.

If He allowed trials and calamities to happen to Job despite of his faithfulness, why not to us?

All we are asked to do is to trust His divine plan; trust that He will see us through. 

Just as what he did to the people around me. And also through me.

And even though it hurts, even though it was difficult to say, I know

that saying this prayer is the most sincere prayer I have ever prayed in the whole course of this ordeal.

This prayer that was said with all of my heart and all hope and faith that I have, that even if it breaks my heart saying this, I know it is the right thing to do:

"Lord, let your will be done in my Mom's life and the lives of our family."

*   *   *

My family doesn't know the findings yet as of this writing.

And as I look at my Mom right now, lying in the bed with all the tubes in her body, I can't help but get teary eyed and pray - "Lord, you're still great because despite of everything that happened to our family, we have come this far. Thank you for all the opportunities to trust and experience your greatness just like seeing my mom survived the operation. I don't know what will happen next, but I just know that you are in control, taking care of every detail. Jesus, I trust in You".

It is only through God's grace that I am still grateful and can see His hand working despite of these trials.

*   *   *

And right now, this is how I imagined Jesus taking care of me while going all thru this - like a little girl embraced by my Father, my Savior, my greatest Healer - to conquer my fears and pacify the raging storms in my life. I know that I am taken care of, and looking at this picture gives me calmness and reassurance that my God, yes my Almighty God who is just, righteous and merciful, will take care of everything. And I know that He is preparing us for whatever that may happen. 

Only through His grace that we can overcome these things.

And if we have to go through these trials, so that His plans will take place and He will be glorified, then allow us to partake with His suffering in the cross by going through this difficulty.

And now, I feel God's favorite. For He saw me and my family worthy to carry this cross.

Thank you, Father God. For your trust, for the faith, and for the people praying for us and extending their love for us. For indeed, nothing can separate us from your love.

Eds' prayer for my family

Heavenly Father, I praise You for You are Holy and Blessed. Thank you Father God for the strength You are giving Khyme and her family especially right now. Dear Lord, we do not know what Your plans are for her and her family, but one thing is for sure, You have allowed this to happen because You are the author of their lives and You want nothing except for the best. In a very special way, we would like to lift up to You Khyme's mother; heal her Father. Touch her and take away what is not from You. We also pray for Khyme and the rest of er family. We pray that You will bless them with a heart that accepts and rejoices in Your Holy Will. A heart that does not question with the things that they do not understand. A heart that only finds its peace and joy in You. Heavenly Father, we trust in You. Glory Be...
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Eds is a missionary friend based in latin America and is married to Paul Morales, a local member of the Matrimonios Para cristo Community in Ecuador.