i feel stuck

see that girl in that box?
that's how I feel right now.
stuck. in a box. head inside, feet outside.
can't pull myself up.
and i need help.
that's why i'll start to push myself up.
get out of that place.
talk to people.
reach out.
then maybe, i won't be stuck anymore.

how do i want to be remembered?

I have been thinking this for a few days now ever since I was struck by the statement of a friend: "imagine if you do this, it will be the first! and you will always be remembered as the pioneer for this!" At first, it became my motivation in doing things. But during one of my prayer time, God revealed to me that my motivation is all so wrong. Doing things so I can leave a legacy makes the people focus on you more. Do I like that? Do I like people to remember me because I did this and that? Because i'm good with this and that?
*   *   *
When my household head before told me that I will become the next Senior Sister, I said no. I was unworthy, I do not know a lot, I feel like I won't be able to do justice of being one. I was afraid that I will fail. I was afraid because the Senior Sisters before me were all good and even became Mission Volunteer and Full-time Pastoral Workers! And me? Our org was almost expelled in our University because of me! So, do you think i'm worthy???

"It is your heart for God that's what matters, Khyme" was what she always say. And so, despite of my fears and unworthiness, I jumped off my own cliff and dive to uncertainty of being a Senior Sister, entrusting everything to the God who has called me to pastor His sheep in UST.

I can't even remember giving a talk for I have a stage fright (surprisingly!). I always stay behind the limelight, taking care of the behind-the-scenes, and making sure that the people were all taken care of. I didn't even remember doing something great for my org (though I remembered being "makulit" and the funny, corny ate who kept on laughing at anything), that's why I got surprised to be voted as the Senior Sister of the year for the whole Campus Based that time. (until now, I can't even remember why!) All I could remember was that, I tried to love every person that came my way - good or bad, and tried to see Christ in them, the way I strive to reflect Christ in me.
*   *   *
When the Lord called me to go on mission abroad for two years, my first reaction was the same: "I'm not worthy. I'm not talented. I'm not even smart or wise. I am just getting over my drunkenness. And i'm not good in speaking in front." But after a long pause, I said to the Lord: "But Lord, I'm good at something. I'm good in loving. In taking care of people. In making them feel that they are appreciated. That's the only thing I know." And the Lord gave me the go signal saying "That's what all you need. A heart that is big enough to love a lot and more."
*   *   *
It has been 3 1/2 years since I gave my whole life to the Lord through missionary work. Meaning denied myself from the privilege of earning a lot of money from secular work, going out every night and shopping every weekend like I used to, and living a life carelessly. I gave up the life I thought was perfect for me, and found the kind of life that I have always dreamed and desire of.

And I still stay the same as before - stay at the background, just doing what I am expected to do but giving it an extra personal touch, and just loving the people around me the way they needed to be loved. Maybe extra gracious and generous, but nevertheless the same as before. For I only have my heart to give and that loving is the only thing I know i'm good at.
*   *   *
When my mom died, it made me reflect on how she was remembered by the people around her. And praise God, because I know that she lived well based from the bulk of people who came to her wake to pay their last respect, taking all their time and effort in going to our province because they know that my Mom, who has touched their life in one way or another, deserved their presence. And it made me think... how do i want to be remembered when I die?
*   *   *
Reflecting on my life right now, I know that the Lord is still not finished with me. I am still a masterpiece in progress. What he only wants me to do is to live a righteous life, faithful and obedient to Him, entrusting Him with everything I have and allowing Him to mold me the way I am created to be. Still a lot to be done in me, but I am ready of how the Lord will use the twist and turns of my life to something great for His purpose.
*   *   *
Now I know how I wanted to be remembered by the people i love: The one who brought us closer to God, not with her words but how she has lived her life.

Or if that is too glorious for me, if that will take away the spotlight from the Lord... then I desire to be forgotten. For it is always about God, and I am living my life for his glory not mine.

"pwede ba mag-rant?"

yan ang linya ko kahapon pauwi mula sa office. hindi ko kasi maintindihan na sa tagal na ng panahon na wala akong pakielam, na wala namang 'ganung' pansinan, nakuha pa niyang inisin ako.

oo nung una, alam kong effort ang hindi pansinin siya. sabi ng head ko eh. at may wisdom naman kaya sinuod ko rin. ang hirap nun. nasanay kasi ako na pag may nakakatawa o kaya naman may gusto ko ikwento o naalala sa mga naging experiences namin, sa kanya ko sinasabi. pero kung pinagbawalan ka para sa ikabubuti mo, bakit hindi, di ba? hanggang sa tumagal, nasanay na akong hindi siya pinapansin. para na lang siyang isang pader na dinadaan-daanan kapag nagkakasalubong kami. minsan, may interaction. pero alam ko, wala na. hindi na kami magiging magkaibigan nito. solve na ako dun. nakakalungkot syempre - eh isa ba naman siya sa mga magagandang alaala ko tapos biglang isang iglap, nawala na. pero syempre, ganun naman talaga ang buhay, may mga taong dumadating at umaalis. at isa siya dun sa umalis.

buti na lang wala masyadong nakakaalam ng kung anong klaseng relationship meron kami dati. kung gaano kami ka-close. syempre, yung mga kasama namin dun at mga leaders namin, alam. buti na lang, wala masyadong tanong, wala masyadong issue. o kung meron man, oblivious na ako dun. actually, indifferent. kasi nga, wala na akong pakielam. alam kong mali, dahil nage-exist kami sa iisang mundo, pero ganun talaga. some good things never last.

pero kahapon, hindi ko kinaya. alam ko na may attitude siya. na moody siya. na minsan, wala siyang pakielam. simple lang naman approach ko sa kanya. "gusto mo?" ang sabi ko sa kanya, katulad din ng sinasabi ko sa lahat bago siya. pwede naman siyang maging polite at sabihing oo o hindi, okay lang naman eh. pero yung titigan ka with that blank face at sabay alis? uhmmm... hindi ba nakakabastos lang? hindi ba winalk-out-an mo ako nun? pagkain lang yung ino-offer ko, hindi puso o buhay ko na dapat mong tanggapin. yung pagkain na yun, no strings attached. at kung napansin mo, parehas lang ang approach ko sa iyo, gaya ng sa iba. hindi special. ni pa-cute wala. dahil wala ka na nga di ba? dahil pader ka na lang. pero nakakainis lang yung ginawa mo. simple lang, baka nga hindi mo na maalala yun, pero i just felt that someone walked out on me just because i offered a dessert to him. haayy.. kakayamot.

sa sobrang yamot ko, nagawan pa kita ng blog. sa ganitong paraan ko lang naman mae-express yung feelings ko. alam ko na marami makakabasa nito at baka mabasa mo rin. pero wala na akong pakielam. ang sa akin lang, pinipilit kong maging casual sa iyo, maging kapatid sa iyo. sana maging ganun ka rin, pero kung di mo kaya, sana maging mabait na tao ka lang. hindi naman tayo iba sa isa't-isa, at sa pagkakaalala ko, hindi ako ang nang-away, hindi ako ang nanakit. kaya sana be a brother. yun lang.

sorry sa mga nagbasa, puro rants lang ito.

my 15 simple joys...

I just thought of writing down the things that make me happy. To remind me that life is beautiful, that God has blessed me with a lot of wonderful things to fill my life. And I think, it's all worth sharing it.

Simple joys. These are the things (or people) that makes you smile, one way or another. Here is my top 15 (in no particular order):

1. TAHO

I don't know what's with taho but it is definitely addicting for me. On the way to the office and going home, I always buy taho at the overpass in Megamall. And for some weird reason, it makes my day most especially on those not-so-good-days.

2. KIDS

Babies of my co-missionaries

I love kids. They're adorable. Relieves stress. Makes you feel good about yourself. Reminds you of who you really are. Spontaneous. Unpredictable. And even if sometimes they're cranky or don't want to play with you, I just love them. Period.

3. FRUIT SALAD

I grew fond of fruit salads maybe because when I was growing up, fruit salad was always present in every occasion - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, etc. I remember eating 3 small plates of fruit salad during one of my mission trips in Batangas and this left me with LBM the next day. Lesson learned? A small plate of fruit salad a day, keeps the C.R. away.

4. SPEAKING SPANISH

I was proud of myself when I learned speaking conversational Spanish in less than a month while I was staying Costa Rica. And since then, I have fallen in love with it. I don't care if I make mistakes sometimes, as long as I can express myself and my listener can understand, i'm okay. I don't want to forget the language and hopefully can be used again in the future.

5. C.S.I.

Exercise your mind. Practice your detective skills. And learn how to investigate a crime. I love them three: CSI, CSI-NY and CSI-Miami. 

6. WORSHIP

It calms your soul. Unites you with the One who created you. Gives you peace and makes you realized that you are loved, blessed and taken care by God. Frees you from all your bondages because the Lord gives you another chance to salvation once more. This is what I feel when i'm worshiping the Lord. And if I have to do this the rest of my life, just to be with the ONE who claimed this kind of life I have because He gave His life for me... I will do it with a cheerful and grateful heart.

7. JOURNAL and BLOGGING

Where I can be me, express my thoughts without the fear of people's opinions. Oh by the way, I don't care about them. I only write what I think and feel. And it's my own journal and blog site, so who cares, right? *wink*

8. Make-up and KFL Girls

my creations: Angel, Joanne and Kuh

I love painting my face. It brings color and life. It enhances your beauty. And I love sharing it with others. Just like with these women who were transformed to glamorous for a moment. I remembered people's reactions when they saw us - what a transformation, you should go to office like that everyday, you're beautiful. haha that made me feel proud! And for the KFL girls, through thick and thin, with hormones or none, we stick together, love each other and brings the best out of each other for the kids and for God's glory.

9. COOKING

gallo pinto

Cooking is my therapy. When I was still in Costa Rica, I remembered cooking sinigang at 2 a.m. because I was bothered. Cooking is also my way of saying thank you and I love you to the person I cook for. 

10. ART ATTACK

Crosses made of macaroni shells

I'm not a techie person but i'm more of the art attack person. I love to cut, paste, paint and whatever my hands can do to create art. Brings out your individuality, creativity and freedom. 

11. TRAVELLING

from Palawan going home

I like going to places, near or far, local or international, by land or air (not the sea though...) It fascinates me to know the history of the places I visit, or the memories that can be created there. The different culture, people, language and food makes travelling more exciting!

12. RUGGED

Our beloved pet, who was born on K.D.'s birthday (and I was talking to her while Rugged's mom is giving birth to him). He's really loyal, even welcomes me when I come home and even waits on me. Very sweet and loves to play with me. My "bantay" when I was alone during the time I was recuperating from my operation last year.

13. PLAYING GUITAR

during one of our SFL household in Costa Rica

I learned playing the guitar in November 2007. I patiently studied and was able to learn some chords. But I finally played my first song in front of many people during the SFL Covenant Recollection and our speaker then was our Country head! The 1st song I was able to play was Exodus 15 - my all time favorite worship song. I still don't have the confidence of playing the guitar, but if it's needed, I do play.

14. MY FAMILY

The joy of being together despite of the fights that we have every now and then among ourselves... It is still the family that we go back to when the world turns its back on you. Simple pero ROCK! is what I can describe my family.

15. CONFESSION and COMMUNION

Going to confession and Mass is like taking a bath after you slid on mud and your whole body is covered with it. Just like worship, it refreshes you, makes you clean, blesses you with grace and unites you to your Savior. And that's what I think is important in our lives.

I had a difficult time choosing which one qualifies for my 15 simple joys. I have a lot, actually. Maybe because I am easily pleased (at times) and I am very much appreciative. Coming up with this list reminded me that there are many things that I should be thankful of. That the world, despite of its chaos and complexities, is beautiful Life's simple joys are just around us. You just simply need to find them. But I believe that the greatest joy one could ever have is being contented for who you are, how the Lord has created you and using your full potential according to His will and plan in your life. =)

I want to be a saint.

St. Meletius of Antioch, Feb. 12

At last, I finally finished my special task for Kuya Cocoi - researched the lives of the saints for the whole month of January and February and make a summary of 2 sentences for each. I do not know a lot of saints, maybe those who are well known, of course. But doing this special task, made me realized that these saints were just ordinary men and women with extraordinary love for the Lord who used their unique gifts and talents for the glory of God.

It was such a wonderful experience reading their lives, for it made you realized how great the Lord is, and that He really works in different ways. I so admire the life of St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows, which, I believed should be my patron saint aside from St. Peter (in this matter). Before he entered the religious life, he led a life of fun and party. But another part of him felt empty. And that lead him to search God thru Our Lady of Sorrows. His fun personality brought joy to anyone he met. A very contagious priest, is what they say about him. He is remembered of his smile and happy disposition. Though he died young (only 24 years old), he already served the Lord by giving his all in the vocation he was called for.

St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows

Another remarkable saint was St. Paul Miki, a Japanese Jesuit, whose pursuit to holiness and glorifying the Lord by preaching the Good News while hanging on the cross, led him to death. "Ask Christ to make you happy" is one of his famous line.

St. Paul Miki

Simple, ordinary people who have extreme love for the Lord; not afraid to express this love by preaching the Good News, no matter what it cost... even if it cost them their lives. I pray that I may have the same courage and devotion in proclaiming the Good News of Salvation, just as these saints had, even if I will be rejected, ridiculed and forsaken as a Missionary and a Christian... For the cause of Christ who died for me... I will gladly do it.

*   *   *

I also googled if there is already a St. Kimberly. Seems like there's none yet, so I may be the first one:

St. Kimberly, patroness of daughters

(minus the pearls and watch)

*special thanks to Kuya Cocoi for this special task :)

going back to some childhood memories

It was last night, during one of my supermarket sprees when I encountered this box again. I can't help but looked at it, reminiscing some funny childhood memories. I was sharing it with my friend that I was never fed with cerelac before, since it was expensive that time. So, when my youngest cousin was born (and I was 8 years old by that time), I remembered getting some cerelac from the container 2x a day - before I go to school and during merienda - and denying to death while my Lola and Tita (his mom) were wondering who ate it all. Until one day, my Lola caught me by surprise, with the spoon on my mouth and some powdery substance around it. Of course, I got spanked after that, but nevertheless, Cerelac was one of the best baby food that I have ever tasted.

I finally bought one small box and even emailed a  friend who has a habit of eating Gerber during break. He was laughing at me that I finally gave in to the same weirdness after so much denial. Oh well, It's just one box for some crazy days. And a little hold to my childhood memories. :)

I can never give up...

I can never give up on anyone. Even if they haven't treated me well and hurt me so bad. You just don't give up anybody. Most especially if it's a close friend or a family member. For my God has never given up on me, on those times that I failed Him, hurt Him, disobeyed Him and rejected Him... He still gave me a 2nd chance... and a third... and a fourth... and a countless many time to make up on Him. So how can I give up on anybody if the grace i'm receiving is so abundant? Why not give that same grace to those who have hurt you?

Until there is life, there is hope. And hope comes from a faith who believes that there's a rainbow after the rain, that in every bad person is a spark of goodness within and that there's always tomorrow to make up for today's mistakes. And when there is hope, there is God.

I am not a mistake. Neither are you.

I saw this sticker from one of the doors of a government agency. I was with Dad then and I was looking around while waiting for our names to be called. Then I saw this. I was stunned. I looked at my Dad. Did they ever think that either one of us, their children, were a mistake? If they did, they shouldn't raise us this well.

But whoever thought of this slogan, maybe his parents didn't raise him well. Maybe he wasn't loved enough or was abandoned while he was still young. He might have a lot of hurts and bitterness in his heart. he has never appreciated the beauty of life. Nor being in a family. And being loved.

The only mistake a couple can do (i think) is sex before marriage. Unwanted pregnancies emerge because of that. But you don't blame that to the child. Despite of how he/she is conceived, every child deserves to live a decent life. Mistakes can be forgiven, if the person has repented on it, and everyone deserves a second chance (and many chances, in God's eyes).

This slogan tells us that for you to have unwanted pregnancy, you should use birth control. It's encouraging anyone - married couples or not - to have sex anytime since you will be protected from being pregnant. Birth control is not the answer for unwanted pregnancies. It's being modest and having self-control, waiting for the Sacrament of Marriage to take place before having sex. We're not even dogs who just go around and have it, whenever we want it. God has created us in his likeness, and gave us reason to use. Have we lost our values and integrity over time???

I am not a mistake. My parents chose me, raised me, loved me, gave me the opportunity to live. I will never be a mistake. And neither are you.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Protectress of the unborn, Pray for us!

captivated...

... by the dedication of my co-missionaries in serving for the HLI conference despite that it's already their 4th day, tired with less sleep and yet giving their best smile and effort
... by the speakers who shared their knowledge and expertise that will help the participants defend faith, life and family (though I wasn't able to hear even one talk...)
... during the Holy Hour. How the whole congregation were praying for the abortionist, for the mothers who killed their babies because of abortion... Having that big merciful heart to pray for your enemies... is really a gift and grace from God.
... by the people who took time, resources and effort just to attend this conference, because they saw its importance in our missionary work of defending life and preserving the families that the Lord has entrusted to us. These passionate individuals - religious, clergy and laity - taught me again to never compromise your faith, your ideals and beliefs about the fight for life, for no one hasn't win yet the battle with the anti-lifers with compromised beliefs.

I wasn't able to listen to any talks since we were busy with the Secretariat. But during the Holy Hour, I found myself crying because of being honored in front of God with these people who have the same passion I have in defending life and protecting families... and I thanked God for my Mom and Dad, for choosing to let me live and raise me the way I am right now.

It's only the first day of the conference, and yet I'm learning a lot that makes me fall more in love with God and all the things He's unfolding in front of me. I love life. I love my family. And I love God. And I will do everything just to defend and protect these things that are important to me. Praise God1

remembering Mom

Mom's grave two weeks after the interment

After I arrived from a two-week mission trip in Palawan last Monday and had lunch with my mission team, I went home, put down my bags and headed straight to Pampanga. It was Nov. 1 and I can't miss the first time I'm gonna visit Mom on that special day of remembrance for the dead loved ones. 

I have been thinking about it for days and even shared it to my co-missionary. it just felt weird that after how many years of not going to the cemetery for the Nov. 1 event (we stopped visiting Tatang and Ima since 2006, I think and we weren't able to visit Lola Ipay last year), here I come, going there, alone, with a lot of people around, to visit my Mom. During the bus ride to Pampanga, I was talking to her through prayer, telling her of the weird feeling of visiting her on that day. I was even telling Mom to affirm me that it's just okay, that everything will be okay for me going there. 

I arrived at the cemetery after almost 3 hours of travelling. Tiring, yes. But the desire to pay respect to Mom and my grandparents is huge for me to go there. The cemetery looked a lot different compared on ordinary days. of course, a lot of people with candles on the ground, either chatting or playing cards, smoking or eating a lot. At first, I had a difficult time finding my Mom's grave. But the Lord (and her, i believe) led me to the middle of the cemetery - where a Holy Mass was on-going. I stopped, and got teary-eyed. I believed that the Lord, and my Mom, were telling me - "Khymee, it's okay. Everything's okay. Your Mom is with me. Don't be sad anymore." And I started walking and found my family at the site.

When Mom died, it was me who was considered the strongest that time because I accepted everything in grace and with grace. I was 101% affirmed by the Lord that He is in-charge of everything. But I can't help it, I still miss Mom. And there are days and nights that I still cry, not because I regret anything, but because of the desire to hear her or hug her or even cuddle with her. That's what we were before. And that, I can only do now in memory.

My mom is now happy and at peace. Sometimes, it still hurts but she never fails to make her presence felt in me through many ways. Just like Bishop Tagle said in his Homily - "Our beloved dead just died from their physical body but they're still alive in a  different way - through spirit". Let us all pray for our dearly beloved dead that their spirit be always at peace and be in god's loving embrace. Amen.

P.S.: Please say a prayer for Tia Noemi Villalobos, one of our host in Costa Rica who died last week. May she rest in peace and her family be consoled in this time of grief, Amen.