it's about you... AGAIN.

I've talked about you again. Twice. Though I promised myself and to God that I will never talk about you again (but only with Him, of course), I had to. Those two people who asked me deserved to know about you. The first, was because I was obliged to do so. And the second was, because she's one of the few who knew about us ever since.

Sharing about you again makes me feel uneasy. Maybe because you're already an old chapter that should have been completely forgotten. Or a beautiful nightmare that I was allowed to experience. T'was difficult to open up an old wound. The pain's not there, of course. But the memories of how I got that wound, how stupid I was to get that wound if I could have avoid it in the first place... And I believe you're not even worth of my time. Since you've already kicked me out of your life... by force.

It's a daily struggle though to pretend that I don't see you. Or if I do, pretend that I don't know you. Or we're simply just not friends. Sometimes I do wonder, that whenever we get the chance to talk or joke around, do you still remember that we even become friends. Or if you even remember what happened last year when we had THAT conversation. Sometimes I do wonder, if THAT day would still ever come that we can even be friends again just like before. But a lot of times, I give up on that. I do not hope anymore, unlike before.

I'm okay with how we are right now. I don't mind if we don't talk or hang-out in the same circle. It's better to be like this - safe, and unknown to everyone (okay, maybe they know but I just don't care) what we've gone through. Sometimes it's still difficult, 'coz I know that it's not right that i'm feeling this indifference with you (or trying to). But this is what I know that is right for now. Complicated, yes. But that's how it is to be.

They asked me if there's anything that happened between us before. I don't know how to answer that. I can't even label our relationship - if we're friends, close friends, special friends or just simply co-worker. Maybe it's just me? Or maybe there's something? I don't know. I just want to have a quiet life, and hopefully this will be the last time that I will talk about you again.

celebrate even the small victories!

just finished cleaning my room. a small victory, maybe, but still it's a victory! something i have to be thankful for.

so what's the big deal with cleaning my room?

when i was young, my mom always tells us that our room represents the state of our minds. a clean environment helps you think better. and a cluttered one will make everything worse.

for days now, my room was a total mess. just as how i was.

but yesterday, i got inspired. with an unlikely person and event. it's not even related to cleaning my room, but it made me think that if this person can still manage to smile despite of the difficult times she's experiencing right now, why can't i? then, i started thinking of things that i have to fix in my life so that i can smile again. genuine smile.

then i thought of my room.

i'm not yet finished though, (since i need a day or two to throw some stuffs) but i'm glad i've started it already. it is something i've been putting off for some quite time now, just like the things (and some issues) that i have to finish. at least, a better-looking room means a better environment to think. and hopefully will take away the emo in me.

what do you do when you terribly miss someone?

with mom on her last birthday, May 27, 2010

It was me who had the crying bouts over missing Mom last week. One reason why I felt stuck. I missed her terribly. She was a superwoman. She had all the answers. She knows what's best. And she was the life on our home.

And now, just minutes ago, my brother went up in my room, crying like a little baby because he misses Mom. He wanted to see her. to talk to her. to be with her. And even if I tried my best to comfort him, I know that it wouldn't change the feeling of loss my brother is feeling at that moment.

So how do you deal with moments like this?

It's difficult. Sometimes, I just want to pretend she's out of town, or just living at my sister's house. But she isn't. Facing the reality everyday that she's not with us anymore is difficult; only through God's grace that we're able to cope up with the loss.

Speaking to her in prayer and writing in my journal sometimes help. But on those times that I want to hug her, or I need a sound advice or just share my day with her... I don't know. I just cry, I just pray and ask Mama Mary to embrace me and my family in times like this, and embrace my Mom too for us.

Difficult times. But only God can get us through. In His time, we'll be fully okay.

one more chance

When you give another chance to a person who has hurt you before, be ready also to take the risk of this person hurting you again. and again. and again.
*   *   *
I'm giving another chance to someone once more. I know it's a risk, after all the hurts and betrayal that happened, who wants to take chance on the possibility of experiencing it again?

Marie once told me that i'm stubborn when it comes on giving another chance to those people who repeatedly hurt and betrayed me. How couldn't I, if I myself, is given, not only one chance but many more chances by the people I hurt? by the people I love? by my heavenly God? I'm just paying it forward, all the graces and mercy I continuously receive; and if they will hurt me again, i'll just remember that, a lot of times I also hurt my god but despite of this, He keeps on forgiving me and receiving me once more into His arms. And this, will help me to love this person who has hurt me, again.

I just pray that I won't get tired of doing this over and over again.

when kids worship, the heavens rock!

Jesus always tells us that we should have faith like a child. Maybe because children are less complicated creatures and their simplicity, loyalty and sincerity make them good teachers and evangelizers on how to become a follower of Jesus. That is why, Jesus has commanded us to "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children." (Mt. 19:14). And once more, I have witnessed and experienced again how the Lord has called the little ones to live a life extraordinarily for Him and be a real witness to others.
*   *   *

It was Nov. 29, a Monday and a holiday. At 7am, almost 500 kids (adults not yet included) have gathered at The Event Center of SM Batangas to attend the 2nd District Kids Conference with the theme "Jesus League: League of extraordinary kids" (coming from European Kids Conference 2010's theme). Coming from different towns of Batangas, these KFL members woke up early and excited for the different activities and sessions prepared for them. They attended the mass at the Holy Trinity Parish (which is beside the venue) before they went straight to the venue itself. The conference was opened with a Kids Praise Worship, led by a 10-year old KFL Member, Ivan from Cluster 7. It was his simple invitation to worship God just because He is the reason of why we were there, that made the whole venue rocked with kids' voices praising the Lord. The vibrancy and spontaneity of the emcees, Kuya Darren and Ate Arlene, our KFL Heartchamps, made the kids participate more and enjoy the different activities. And Tito Cesar, the CFC FFL Batangas District Servant, opened the conference commending the kids in giving their lives to Jesus and empowering them to continue doing so.


We had 2 sessions in the morning and another 2 in the afternoon. Session 1 was given by Ate Ivys, wherein kids were taught of the importance of prayer through the life story of David fighting Goliath. They are asked to write in a piece of paper, a prayer of thanksgiving, reconciliation or petition, to be offered to the cross and be prayed over after. As they place their prayer petition, they received a cross necklace that will remind them to pray to Jesus in every circumstances.

kids placing their prayer petition on the cross

Session 2 was given by Kuya Anjo - Heroes have faith - where the children learned the importance of having faith and how to practice it through the life story of Joseph the dreamer. They also had a cape-making activity to symbolize that God will always be with us and we just have to simply believe that He is.

cape-making activity

During lunch, the kids got a surprised visit from Jollibee, which entertained them with dance and picture-taking. 

surprise!

After lunch came the last 2 sessions. Session 3 was given by Ate Jea - Heroes have courage - they were taught to have courage most especially in difficult times, knowing that God will protect them, just as He protected Daniel in the story, when he was in the Lion's den. The kids were asked to make a Lion's mask that will remind them to be brave and strong in times of adversity.

lion's mask

And with the last session - Jesus is my superhero - given by Kuya Michael, it taught the kids the life lesson of trusting Jesus especially in times of storm and that only He can save us from troubles and trying times. They  also learned the importance of worshipping God through Kids Praise and ended the conference with Kids' Praise fest.

Sing, sing, sing!

*   *   *

The joy and transformation that I felt after the conference was overwhelming. Seeing the kids raising their hands in worship, some parents and coordinators (and even me!) in tears watching them singing and shouting the Kids Praise songs, everyone participating in the activities and having fun, knowing new friends and having pictures with them... the sight and experience is priceless. I even overheard a passerby asking how much the ticket for the kids' concert because she wanted to bring her child. And 2 children asking their parents to bring them inside the venue, but after explaining to them that it is a private event, resigned to just watching outside and copied the dance steps of sing, sing, sing and insisting their Mom to let them join the other kids next time.

The event was a real success, despite of the short preparation (3 weeks?!?), the youth with their first-time experience in doing their task, and some oppressions on the side. It was really the Lord who worked in this conference; we just gave all our best and let God, through His Spirit worked in us, so that these kids can experience the life that they should be living - a life of prayer and faith in Jesus will give them courage to face any battle in their daily lives. Indeed, they are now part of the league of extra-ordinary kids serving and offering their lives to Jesus.

human-size statues of saints for picture taking

KFL Batangas - DKC 2010

P.S.: did I mentioned that we got the venue for free? That's part of God's blessings to us among many! :)

i feel stuck

see that girl in that box?
that's how I feel right now.
stuck. in a box. head inside, feet outside.
can't pull myself up.
and i need help.
that's why i'll start to push myself up.
get out of that place.
talk to people.
reach out.
then maybe, i won't be stuck anymore.

how do i want to be remembered?

I have been thinking this for a few days now ever since I was struck by the statement of a friend: "imagine if you do this, it will be the first! and you will always be remembered as the pioneer for this!" At first, it became my motivation in doing things. But during one of my prayer time, God revealed to me that my motivation is all so wrong. Doing things so I can leave a legacy makes the people focus on you more. Do I like that? Do I like people to remember me because I did this and that? Because i'm good with this and that?
*   *   *
When my household head before told me that I will become the next Senior Sister, I said no. I was unworthy, I do not know a lot, I feel like I won't be able to do justice of being one. I was afraid that I will fail. I was afraid because the Senior Sisters before me were all good and even became Mission Volunteer and Full-time Pastoral Workers! And me? Our org was almost expelled in our University because of me! So, do you think i'm worthy???

"It is your heart for God that's what matters, Khyme" was what she always say. And so, despite of my fears and unworthiness, I jumped off my own cliff and dive to uncertainty of being a Senior Sister, entrusting everything to the God who has called me to pastor His sheep in UST.

I can't even remember giving a talk for I have a stage fright (surprisingly!). I always stay behind the limelight, taking care of the behind-the-scenes, and making sure that the people were all taken care of. I didn't even remember doing something great for my org (though I remembered being "makulit" and the funny, corny ate who kept on laughing at anything), that's why I got surprised to be voted as the Senior Sister of the year for the whole Campus Based that time. (until now, I can't even remember why!) All I could remember was that, I tried to love every person that came my way - good or bad, and tried to see Christ in them, the way I strive to reflect Christ in me.
*   *   *
When the Lord called me to go on mission abroad for two years, my first reaction was the same: "I'm not worthy. I'm not talented. I'm not even smart or wise. I am just getting over my drunkenness. And i'm not good in speaking in front." But after a long pause, I said to the Lord: "But Lord, I'm good at something. I'm good in loving. In taking care of people. In making them feel that they are appreciated. That's the only thing I know." And the Lord gave me the go signal saying "That's what all you need. A heart that is big enough to love a lot and more."
*   *   *
It has been 3 1/2 years since I gave my whole life to the Lord through missionary work. Meaning denied myself from the privilege of earning a lot of money from secular work, going out every night and shopping every weekend like I used to, and living a life carelessly. I gave up the life I thought was perfect for me, and found the kind of life that I have always dreamed and desire of.

And I still stay the same as before - stay at the background, just doing what I am expected to do but giving it an extra personal touch, and just loving the people around me the way they needed to be loved. Maybe extra gracious and generous, but nevertheless the same as before. For I only have my heart to give and that loving is the only thing I know i'm good at.
*   *   *
When my mom died, it made me reflect on how she was remembered by the people around her. And praise God, because I know that she lived well based from the bulk of people who came to her wake to pay their last respect, taking all their time and effort in going to our province because they know that my Mom, who has touched their life in one way or another, deserved their presence. And it made me think... how do i want to be remembered when I die?
*   *   *
Reflecting on my life right now, I know that the Lord is still not finished with me. I am still a masterpiece in progress. What he only wants me to do is to live a righteous life, faithful and obedient to Him, entrusting Him with everything I have and allowing Him to mold me the way I am created to be. Still a lot to be done in me, but I am ready of how the Lord will use the twist and turns of my life to something great for His purpose.
*   *   *
Now I know how I wanted to be remembered by the people i love: The one who brought us closer to God, not with her words but how she has lived her life.

Or if that is too glorious for me, if that will take away the spotlight from the Lord... then I desire to be forgotten. For it is always about God, and I am living my life for his glory not mine.

"pwede ba mag-rant?"

yan ang linya ko kahapon pauwi mula sa office. hindi ko kasi maintindihan na sa tagal na ng panahon na wala akong pakielam, na wala namang 'ganung' pansinan, nakuha pa niyang inisin ako.

oo nung una, alam kong effort ang hindi pansinin siya. sabi ng head ko eh. at may wisdom naman kaya sinuod ko rin. ang hirap nun. nasanay kasi ako na pag may nakakatawa o kaya naman may gusto ko ikwento o naalala sa mga naging experiences namin, sa kanya ko sinasabi. pero kung pinagbawalan ka para sa ikabubuti mo, bakit hindi, di ba? hanggang sa tumagal, nasanay na akong hindi siya pinapansin. para na lang siyang isang pader na dinadaan-daanan kapag nagkakasalubong kami. minsan, may interaction. pero alam ko, wala na. hindi na kami magiging magkaibigan nito. solve na ako dun. nakakalungkot syempre - eh isa ba naman siya sa mga magagandang alaala ko tapos biglang isang iglap, nawala na. pero syempre, ganun naman talaga ang buhay, may mga taong dumadating at umaalis. at isa siya dun sa umalis.

buti na lang wala masyadong nakakaalam ng kung anong klaseng relationship meron kami dati. kung gaano kami ka-close. syempre, yung mga kasama namin dun at mga leaders namin, alam. buti na lang, wala masyadong tanong, wala masyadong issue. o kung meron man, oblivious na ako dun. actually, indifferent. kasi nga, wala na akong pakielam. alam kong mali, dahil nage-exist kami sa iisang mundo, pero ganun talaga. some good things never last.

pero kahapon, hindi ko kinaya. alam ko na may attitude siya. na moody siya. na minsan, wala siyang pakielam. simple lang naman approach ko sa kanya. "gusto mo?" ang sabi ko sa kanya, katulad din ng sinasabi ko sa lahat bago siya. pwede naman siyang maging polite at sabihing oo o hindi, okay lang naman eh. pero yung titigan ka with that blank face at sabay alis? uhmmm... hindi ba nakakabastos lang? hindi ba winalk-out-an mo ako nun? pagkain lang yung ino-offer ko, hindi puso o buhay ko na dapat mong tanggapin. yung pagkain na yun, no strings attached. at kung napansin mo, parehas lang ang approach ko sa iyo, gaya ng sa iba. hindi special. ni pa-cute wala. dahil wala ka na nga di ba? dahil pader ka na lang. pero nakakainis lang yung ginawa mo. simple lang, baka nga hindi mo na maalala yun, pero i just felt that someone walked out on me just because i offered a dessert to him. haayy.. kakayamot.

sa sobrang yamot ko, nagawan pa kita ng blog. sa ganitong paraan ko lang naman mae-express yung feelings ko. alam ko na marami makakabasa nito at baka mabasa mo rin. pero wala na akong pakielam. ang sa akin lang, pinipilit kong maging casual sa iyo, maging kapatid sa iyo. sana maging ganun ka rin, pero kung di mo kaya, sana maging mabait na tao ka lang. hindi naman tayo iba sa isa't-isa, at sa pagkakaalala ko, hindi ako ang nang-away, hindi ako ang nanakit. kaya sana be a brother. yun lang.

sorry sa mga nagbasa, puro rants lang ito.

my 15 simple joys...

I just thought of writing down the things that make me happy. To remind me that life is beautiful, that God has blessed me with a lot of wonderful things to fill my life. And I think, it's all worth sharing it.

Simple joys. These are the things (or people) that makes you smile, one way or another. Here is my top 15 (in no particular order):

1. TAHO

I don't know what's with taho but it is definitely addicting for me. On the way to the office and going home, I always buy taho at the overpass in Megamall. And for some weird reason, it makes my day most especially on those not-so-good-days.

2. KIDS

Babies of my co-missionaries

I love kids. They're adorable. Relieves stress. Makes you feel good about yourself. Reminds you of who you really are. Spontaneous. Unpredictable. And even if sometimes they're cranky or don't want to play with you, I just love them. Period.

3. FRUIT SALAD

I grew fond of fruit salads maybe because when I was growing up, fruit salad was always present in every occasion - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, etc. I remember eating 3 small plates of fruit salad during one of my mission trips in Batangas and this left me with LBM the next day. Lesson learned? A small plate of fruit salad a day, keeps the C.R. away.

4. SPEAKING SPANISH

I was proud of myself when I learned speaking conversational Spanish in less than a month while I was staying Costa Rica. And since then, I have fallen in love with it. I don't care if I make mistakes sometimes, as long as I can express myself and my listener can understand, i'm okay. I don't want to forget the language and hopefully can be used again in the future.

5. C.S.I.

Exercise your mind. Practice your detective skills. And learn how to investigate a crime. I love them three: CSI, CSI-NY and CSI-Miami. 

6. WORSHIP

It calms your soul. Unites you with the One who created you. Gives you peace and makes you realized that you are loved, blessed and taken care by God. Frees you from all your bondages because the Lord gives you another chance to salvation once more. This is what I feel when i'm worshiping the Lord. And if I have to do this the rest of my life, just to be with the ONE who claimed this kind of life I have because He gave His life for me... I will do it with a cheerful and grateful heart.

7. JOURNAL and BLOGGING

Where I can be me, express my thoughts without the fear of people's opinions. Oh by the way, I don't care about them. I only write what I think and feel. And it's my own journal and blog site, so who cares, right? *wink*

8. Make-up and KFL Girls

my creations: Angel, Joanne and Kuh

I love painting my face. It brings color and life. It enhances your beauty. And I love sharing it with others. Just like with these women who were transformed to glamorous for a moment. I remembered people's reactions when they saw us - what a transformation, you should go to office like that everyday, you're beautiful. haha that made me feel proud! And for the KFL girls, through thick and thin, with hormones or none, we stick together, love each other and brings the best out of each other for the kids and for God's glory.

9. COOKING

gallo pinto

Cooking is my therapy. When I was still in Costa Rica, I remembered cooking sinigang at 2 a.m. because I was bothered. Cooking is also my way of saying thank you and I love you to the person I cook for. 

10. ART ATTACK

Crosses made of macaroni shells

I'm not a techie person but i'm more of the art attack person. I love to cut, paste, paint and whatever my hands can do to create art. Brings out your individuality, creativity and freedom. 

11. TRAVELLING

from Palawan going home

I like going to places, near or far, local or international, by land or air (not the sea though...) It fascinates me to know the history of the places I visit, or the memories that can be created there. The different culture, people, language and food makes travelling more exciting!

12. RUGGED

Our beloved pet, who was born on K.D.'s birthday (and I was talking to her while Rugged's mom is giving birth to him). He's really loyal, even welcomes me when I come home and even waits on me. Very sweet and loves to play with me. My "bantay" when I was alone during the time I was recuperating from my operation last year.

13. PLAYING GUITAR

during one of our SFL household in Costa Rica

I learned playing the guitar in November 2007. I patiently studied and was able to learn some chords. But I finally played my first song in front of many people during the SFL Covenant Recollection and our speaker then was our Country head! The 1st song I was able to play was Exodus 15 - my all time favorite worship song. I still don't have the confidence of playing the guitar, but if it's needed, I do play.

14. MY FAMILY

The joy of being together despite of the fights that we have every now and then among ourselves... It is still the family that we go back to when the world turns its back on you. Simple pero ROCK! is what I can describe my family.

15. CONFESSION and COMMUNION

Going to confession and Mass is like taking a bath after you slid on mud and your whole body is covered with it. Just like worship, it refreshes you, makes you clean, blesses you with grace and unites you to your Savior. And that's what I think is important in our lives.

I had a difficult time choosing which one qualifies for my 15 simple joys. I have a lot, actually. Maybe because I am easily pleased (at times) and I am very much appreciative. Coming up with this list reminded me that there are many things that I should be thankful of. That the world, despite of its chaos and complexities, is beautiful Life's simple joys are just around us. You just simply need to find them. But I believe that the greatest joy one could ever have is being contented for who you are, how the Lord has created you and using your full potential according to His will and plan in your life. =)

I want to be a saint.

St. Meletius of Antioch, Feb. 12

At last, I finally finished my special task for Kuya Cocoi - researched the lives of the saints for the whole month of January and February and make a summary of 2 sentences for each. I do not know a lot of saints, maybe those who are well known, of course. But doing this special task, made me realized that these saints were just ordinary men and women with extraordinary love for the Lord who used their unique gifts and talents for the glory of God.

It was such a wonderful experience reading their lives, for it made you realized how great the Lord is, and that He really works in different ways. I so admire the life of St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows, which, I believed should be my patron saint aside from St. Peter (in this matter). Before he entered the religious life, he led a life of fun and party. But another part of him felt empty. And that lead him to search God thru Our Lady of Sorrows. His fun personality brought joy to anyone he met. A very contagious priest, is what they say about him. He is remembered of his smile and happy disposition. Though he died young (only 24 years old), he already served the Lord by giving his all in the vocation he was called for.

St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows

Another remarkable saint was St. Paul Miki, a Japanese Jesuit, whose pursuit to holiness and glorifying the Lord by preaching the Good News while hanging on the cross, led him to death. "Ask Christ to make you happy" is one of his famous line.

St. Paul Miki

Simple, ordinary people who have extreme love for the Lord; not afraid to express this love by preaching the Good News, no matter what it cost... even if it cost them their lives. I pray that I may have the same courage and devotion in proclaiming the Good News of Salvation, just as these saints had, even if I will be rejected, ridiculed and forsaken as a Missionary and a Christian... For the cause of Christ who died for me... I will gladly do it.

*   *   *

I also googled if there is already a St. Kimberly. Seems like there's none yet, so I may be the first one:

St. Kimberly, patroness of daughters

(minus the pearls and watch)

*special thanks to Kuya Cocoi for this special task :)

going back to some childhood memories

It was last night, during one of my supermarket sprees when I encountered this box again. I can't help but looked at it, reminiscing some funny childhood memories. I was sharing it with my friend that I was never fed with cerelac before, since it was expensive that time. So, when my youngest cousin was born (and I was 8 years old by that time), I remembered getting some cerelac from the container 2x a day - before I go to school and during merienda - and denying to death while my Lola and Tita (his mom) were wondering who ate it all. Until one day, my Lola caught me by surprise, with the spoon on my mouth and some powdery substance around it. Of course, I got spanked after that, but nevertheless, Cerelac was one of the best baby food that I have ever tasted.

I finally bought one small box and even emailed a  friend who has a habit of eating Gerber during break. He was laughing at me that I finally gave in to the same weirdness after so much denial. Oh well, It's just one box for some crazy days. And a little hold to my childhood memories. :)

I can never give up...

I can never give up on anyone. Even if they haven't treated me well and hurt me so bad. You just don't give up anybody. Most especially if it's a close friend or a family member. For my God has never given up on me, on those times that I failed Him, hurt Him, disobeyed Him and rejected Him... He still gave me a 2nd chance... and a third... and a fourth... and a countless many time to make up on Him. So how can I give up on anybody if the grace i'm receiving is so abundant? Why not give that same grace to those who have hurt you?

Until there is life, there is hope. And hope comes from a faith who believes that there's a rainbow after the rain, that in every bad person is a spark of goodness within and that there's always tomorrow to make up for today's mistakes. And when there is hope, there is God.

I am not a mistake. Neither are you.

I saw this sticker from one of the doors of a government agency. I was with Dad then and I was looking around while waiting for our names to be called. Then I saw this. I was stunned. I looked at my Dad. Did they ever think that either one of us, their children, were a mistake? If they did, they shouldn't raise us this well.

But whoever thought of this slogan, maybe his parents didn't raise him well. Maybe he wasn't loved enough or was abandoned while he was still young. He might have a lot of hurts and bitterness in his heart. he has never appreciated the beauty of life. Nor being in a family. And being loved.

The only mistake a couple can do (i think) is sex before marriage. Unwanted pregnancies emerge because of that. But you don't blame that to the child. Despite of how he/she is conceived, every child deserves to live a decent life. Mistakes can be forgiven, if the person has repented on it, and everyone deserves a second chance (and many chances, in God's eyes).

This slogan tells us that for you to have unwanted pregnancy, you should use birth control. It's encouraging anyone - married couples or not - to have sex anytime since you will be protected from being pregnant. Birth control is not the answer for unwanted pregnancies. It's being modest and having self-control, waiting for the Sacrament of Marriage to take place before having sex. We're not even dogs who just go around and have it, whenever we want it. God has created us in his likeness, and gave us reason to use. Have we lost our values and integrity over time???

I am not a mistake. My parents chose me, raised me, loved me, gave me the opportunity to live. I will never be a mistake. And neither are you.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Protectress of the unborn, Pray for us!

captivated...

... by the dedication of my co-missionaries in serving for the HLI conference despite that it's already their 4th day, tired with less sleep and yet giving their best smile and effort
... by the speakers who shared their knowledge and expertise that will help the participants defend faith, life and family (though I wasn't able to hear even one talk...)
... during the Holy Hour. How the whole congregation were praying for the abortionist, for the mothers who killed their babies because of abortion... Having that big merciful heart to pray for your enemies... is really a gift and grace from God.
... by the people who took time, resources and effort just to attend this conference, because they saw its importance in our missionary work of defending life and preserving the families that the Lord has entrusted to us. These passionate individuals - religious, clergy and laity - taught me again to never compromise your faith, your ideals and beliefs about the fight for life, for no one hasn't win yet the battle with the anti-lifers with compromised beliefs.

I wasn't able to listen to any talks since we were busy with the Secretariat. But during the Holy Hour, I found myself crying because of being honored in front of God with these people who have the same passion I have in defending life and protecting families... and I thanked God for my Mom and Dad, for choosing to let me live and raise me the way I am right now.

It's only the first day of the conference, and yet I'm learning a lot that makes me fall more in love with God and all the things He's unfolding in front of me. I love life. I love my family. And I love God. And I will do everything just to defend and protect these things that are important to me. Praise God1

remembering Mom

Mom's grave two weeks after the interment

After I arrived from a two-week mission trip in Palawan last Monday and had lunch with my mission team, I went home, put down my bags and headed straight to Pampanga. It was Nov. 1 and I can't miss the first time I'm gonna visit Mom on that special day of remembrance for the dead loved ones. 

I have been thinking about it for days and even shared it to my co-missionary. it just felt weird that after how many years of not going to the cemetery for the Nov. 1 event (we stopped visiting Tatang and Ima since 2006, I think and we weren't able to visit Lola Ipay last year), here I come, going there, alone, with a lot of people around, to visit my Mom. During the bus ride to Pampanga, I was talking to her through prayer, telling her of the weird feeling of visiting her on that day. I was even telling Mom to affirm me that it's just okay, that everything will be okay for me going there. 

I arrived at the cemetery after almost 3 hours of travelling. Tiring, yes. But the desire to pay respect to Mom and my grandparents is huge for me to go there. The cemetery looked a lot different compared on ordinary days. of course, a lot of people with candles on the ground, either chatting or playing cards, smoking or eating a lot. At first, I had a difficult time finding my Mom's grave. But the Lord (and her, i believe) led me to the middle of the cemetery - where a Holy Mass was on-going. I stopped, and got teary-eyed. I believed that the Lord, and my Mom, were telling me - "Khymee, it's okay. Everything's okay. Your Mom is with me. Don't be sad anymore." And I started walking and found my family at the site.

When Mom died, it was me who was considered the strongest that time because I accepted everything in grace and with grace. I was 101% affirmed by the Lord that He is in-charge of everything. But I can't help it, I still miss Mom. And there are days and nights that I still cry, not because I regret anything, but because of the desire to hear her or hug her or even cuddle with her. That's what we were before. And that, I can only do now in memory.

My mom is now happy and at peace. Sometimes, it still hurts but she never fails to make her presence felt in me through many ways. Just like Bishop Tagle said in his Homily - "Our beloved dead just died from their physical body but they're still alive in a  different way - through spirit". Let us all pray for our dearly beloved dead that their spirit be always at peace and be in god's loving embrace. Amen.

P.S.: Please say a prayer for Tia Noemi Villalobos, one of our host in Costa Rica who died last week. May she rest in peace and her family be consoled in this time of grief, Amen.

10 things I hate about you

I was able to watch this movie last Saturday after I came home from Pililia. I was looking for a chick flick to watch to relax and found this. I know it is an old movie. But I'm not a fan of Hollywood movies, and this is one of those I missed (among many).

I will not write a movie review on this coz I know I'm not good with it. But there's something with this movie that made me stick to it till the end. Normally, I always end up sleeping or doing something when watching an English movie. But this? I was glued until the very end.

I found myself crying a bucket of tears while watching the part where Kat (Julia Stiles) found out that Pat (Heath Ledger) was paid to date her. It's not because I had the same experience, but I just felt how awful it must be in that kind of situation - that after a long time of closing your doors, here he was out of nowhere, found out that you had a lot in common, enjoyed the company of each other and you thought that 'this is it'. Then suddenly you'll find out that it was just a lie, when you feel that it was all real.
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We kinda get a long well together - same food, interests, hobbies, ideas... even with childhood memories too. When we're together, it's like the world stops and it's just us - talking, laughing, eating, bumming around, singing, dancing (sometimes), dreaming... - it's just too... ideal? perfect?  too good to be true?

We enjoyed long walks and antiques; long bus rides and sweets; taking photos and kids. Phone calls, hang-outs and even a promise of going out when we see each other again. But *poof*. It's... I don't know how to call it - gone? Maybe. Sometimes I wonder if these things really happened, if HE really happened. Probably I enjoyed too much? Or showed him that i'm not interested?

I do have a list of 10 things I hate about him (And a dozen more). I still hope to see him again someday. With that smile, that old familiar laugh, and a long moment to chat to make up for the lost times. If it's just a dream, if he was just a dream, then I'm just happy that I dreamed about it, about him.

Look what movies can do to me. Remembering old love.

my own version of rest day

after a couple of stressful weeks, finally we had 2 rest days - Tuesday and Wednesday. And since Tuesday was my "duty" date with Dad, I can say that I was able to rest only on Wednesday. And my own version of rest day? Phone off, bread with pancit canton, 1.5 coke and a CSI Las Vegas Season 10 DVD marathon all day. This is rest day.

and the kids have spoken: WE LOVE LIFE!

March for Life: Kids Edition

I love family and life. That is why news on RH Bill these days, on how the so-called Catholics take the side of those anti-lifers and people giving out condoms on broad daylight (like in Starbucks at Taft Ave.) frustrates and disappoint me. What happened to us, Filipinos? Why did we sell our souls and principles for the sake of a good family name? Juan Dela Cruz, don't you see it coming?

But I will not stay mum about it. Now that the fight for life is in heat, and the Catholic Church branded as the "worse religion", how can I stay quiet on what I value the most?

I will stand for what is right. I will defend the importance of life, together with my community and other pro-lifers. Our steps maybe small as of the moment, but the good will always prevail in the end. As long as we are fighting for what is good, for what is of God's, then we know that we will win this battle. We just have to be firm and steadfast in our calling to protect the culture of life! 

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And I admire the kids who participated in the March for Life last Saturday at Tiendesitas, Pasig City. At their young age, they were able to understand the meaning and importance of family and life and how to preserve and love it. A lot of hindrances happened that morning (even to the point of cancelling the march), but the Lord didn't allow it. After explaining to them what and why it should happen, the kids happily march with their placards while shouting WE LOVE LIFE! Some joggers and employees from a call center saw us and was shocked that kids are marching early that morning just to send out the message that, you adults should give us importance. Let us live. Let us enjoy this gift of life, the way God has designed us to be. It made me more teary-eyed when a kid told me "Alam mo ate, dapat nga lahat ng bata nagbi-birthday kasi bigay yun ni Lord di ba?" talking about his placard that says Everybody deserves a birthday.

If this kid appreciates the importance of life, how much more is expected from us, adults? 

and the kids have spoken

statements used during the march

on weddings, marriage and motherhood

got from the wedding cake. 

I'm not yet married nor a single mom. It maybe because of the many weddings I have attended this year (6 weddings in a year is a lot... expensive =P) and the same question I always get (When's yours? Who's the lucky man? - and they just assumed that i'm in a relationship, like everybody else) that motivated me to write something about weddings, marriage and motherhood. 

On Weddings

I realized now that I love weddings - the excuse of dressing up, meeting with your old friends (and hoping to find new ones), eating good food and comparing it with the others you have tasted, enjoying the ambiance, and photo booth with friends (new fad in weddings). But even as much as I wanted to attend, I still don't like participating in the singles game ("it's not allowed in my religion" is what I always say) and answering those repeated questions on your status, who you are with and date of your own "wedding".

On each wedding we attend to, there's always two parts: the sacrament and the reception. Since weddings now are already commercialized, the wedding coordinators are more focused on how to make the wedding a stand-out - with all the frills, making each bride's dream wedding come true. I don't say it's wrong, coz honestly, I also have my own idea of my perfect wedding. But my point is, people who get married nowadays forget the most important part of the celebration - the Sacrament of Matrimony. Where a man and a woman, binded by God through the Church, because of their love and they have chosen to spend their lives together until death. 

Aside form the things I wrote above, what i love about weddings is the profession of love of the bride and groom to each other. The vow is your promise to that only person you chose to love in front of God and the people important to you. One of the nice vows that really touched my heart was of Michael and Alaina (maybe because it was in pure Tagalog and I found it real and sweet? hmmm....) and Wally and Chinky (simple and yet... you just know that it's what their hearts say). Well, no matter what or how you say it, what matters is the Why you are saying it - it's telling that one and only person in front of you that you've chosen to love that you will stay with him/her no matter what just because you love him/her. Well, if the day comes, I'd like to say my vows in Tagalog... or can be in Spanish too. =)

On Marriage

I'm in that age now where most of my friends and people I know are tying the knot. I admire them for saying YES to that one man/woman they chose to spend their life with. It's not that i'm skeptic about long-term commitments, but because our society dictates now that marriage cuts your freedom. Actually it is! Cutting you from looking to other men/women and just sticking to that person you said yes to, from thick or thin, til death do us part. Cutting you from being self-centered individual who couldn't care less where to spend his/her money to a responsible man/woman who works hard just to save for his/her new family. Cutting you from those immature habits and principles and makes you a more logical, principled individual who values life and family more. Yes, if this is the freedom you are cut off when you get married, I believe it's a good things for all of us.

I know some friends whom, after a while of being married, they just break off, just like when they were still boyfriends and girlfriends. Reason? "I can't stand his habits!" "He hasn't change." "We're not in love anymore" "She's not the same person I married". They expect that the person they marry will eventually change after the wedding. I'm sorry to tell you but they don't. Whoever they are before you got wed will be the same person, sometimes 10x worse than who he/she was after a couple of years or more. If you marry a woman who loves kids and is very organize with her finances even while she was single, it is more likely that she will be a good mother and manager of your family's finances when you get married. But if you marry a drunkard, lazy man, don't expect him to change coz of the ring you're both wearing, because most likely than not, it just worsens as years go by. (you're lucky if both of you entered a renewal community for it might change your circumstances).

My parents were married for 31 years, plus two years of serious relationship prior to that. What I've learned from their marriage throughout the years, is that, they have both learned to compromise and meet half-way. They communicate - talk and listen to each other, so they can decide what's best for the family, most especially the kids. I can't remember them fighting (it's a good thing for me coz it makes me feel secure that things can be talked over in marriage without your kids seeing the ugly side of it) or if they do, they're good in hiding it. They may have flaws on how they are as husband and wife and parents to us, but what I admired most about them is how they struggled to bring each other closer to the Lord and that they stayed strong together in facing all the difficult times our families had gone through until Mom's death last June. Dad stick to his promise to Mom that he will be with her and love her till the end, and he is doing that now.

Lesson learned: Communicate - talk and listen to each other. Never fight in front of the kids. And pray together as one family, just as what my parents (especially Mom) taught us.

On Motherhood

I appreciate motherhood more, now that Mom's gone. When I was younger, Mom and I always fight coz she's much stricter to me than my other siblings. She always accused me of being the "black sheep" when in fact, I had lesser rebellious acts from her kids. Maybe the only rebellion I made against her was, I always reasoned out - that was why, I got more spanks, and was hit a lot more times than my Ate and brother because I had the guts to answer back.

As I grew older, I realized and understood why she was like that to me - she got frustrated with my two siblings, and her only chance was me. She didn't want me to experience the mistakes my siblings did. And I appreciate it. She forced me and my sister to attend a youth camp, and 8 years later I became a Missionary. I owe it to her that I said yes to God's calling to this life. 

Mom went through a lot in raising us. When Dad needed to work abroad when we were little kids, she has to balance her time with work and going home to feed us, help us in our study and attend to all our needs. She was a businesswoman in between. Maybe, I got that superwoman streak from her - doing a lot of things all at the same time. I sometimes hear her complain but never did I see her stop doing what she's supposed to do. Even until the end, even in her death bed, all she was thinking was US, her family. She never thought of herself anymore, just us.

Motherhood is difficult. I must say that I am forced to be one (in some aspects) because of Mom. Sometimes, it is just hard to balance work with household chores. Personal time is sacrificed, and you don't think of yourself anymore but more of your family. Budgeting your finances now included paying of bills and food supply. Sleepovers or night-outs are lesser because you have consider your Dad and brother waiting for you. And going to market is a must, coz if not, your family will not have anything to eat. But remembering how my Mom chose me to live, raised me and did everything just for us to have a better life, then doing her responsibility isn't a burden at all. And besides, what's difficult in doing something, if it's done out of love, right?

My point is, weddings, marriages and motherhood are one of those wonderfully-packed gifts from God. Not everyone is entitled and only selected are given the entitlement to have these gifts. As being entrusted, we should take care of these gifts as  a show of our gratitude for the privilege He has given us. Let us not waste the opportunity - protect the sanctity of your marriage and defend your family and life!

Our God is always on time!

my Taiwan visa

Everyday is a miracle. Well, that depends if you choose to see it that way. A lot of miracles are happening in front of us and all we have to do is search for it.

The Lord has taught me once more that indeed, all He asks from us is to be faithful to Him when He said that it will happen, for He is always on time! And He's always up for surprises! (only if you let Him =P) He assured me that this mission trip will be all about Him - and the first manifestation of that is our Taiwan visa, which came ONLY yesterday afternoon! Up to the last minute! Just when you thought that you might not be able to leave because of the visa, and also of the lotsa things to do here... TA-DA! Surprise Khyme! And more surprises to come!

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All Full time Pastoral Workers had a meeting yesterday with Tito Gary about enhancing our relationships with each other. For me, it was an answered prayer since it has been days since the thought of getting to know the older FTWs more, came to me. I am very much excited in participating in the various activities that will be planned for this undertaking.

Another surprise, which I think, is part of God's plan for me yesterday, was the long talk with Tito Gary. It's not the usual counselling sessions that I have with him, but more on a casual way of talking about things, sharing ideas and building relationships. I hope to have moments like this with other older FTWs to get to know them better, aside from service/work.

And with the Bible study, I must say that Fr. Gustilo is really amazing in explaining the Bible. he makes everything in the Bible easier to understand and makes you fall in love more with Jesus through the Gospels. Our topic was about the Bread of Life, and it's importance in taking it. I love how he explained about taking up the communion - one should take up communion as often as he could; for if you only commune once a year, then you are sinning for 364 days; if once a week, then only 6 days left to sin; if everyday, no time to sin. For communion accompanies us in our journey to holiness, thus, helping us to stay away from committing sin. =)

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There are a lot of things I need to do, but after all these things that happened yesterday, it gave me more passion to do my work for the kids and for my community. It brought me back to my forgotten dreams of studying again and having time for myself and my social life. It lead me back to desire God more, and do whatever He asks of me. This is what I love about my job - it's not only about the service you do for others, but also on how the Lord continuously transforming you as He use you to inspire others.

Off to Taiwan mission! See you Philippines in a few days!

blogging to relax

Yesterday, I found my co-missionary so stressed because of the video she's editing. I told her to chill out for a while before she goes back to work. After some time, I went back to her and saw her much relaxed. I asked her what she did to relax herself. And when I saw what she was doing, I saw her doing a graph of her daily routine - "WHAAATT??? is this your way of relaxation???" uhmm.. yes, it was. =)
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I was a little stressed these past few days because of so much to do - mission trips, clubs, processing of my Mom's benefit claims, taking care of the house, etc. I don't even have time for myself! No wonder, I get so tired easily. I woke up one morning asking God if all of these things I was doing really matters 5-10 years from now. And it is! It's not that i'm complaining, maybe I need a little more skill on time management.

So, after a whole morning of calling some schools for my sideline, here I am, taking my time to relax by expressing myself - blogging!
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Last Monday, the Young Ministries' missionaries had a chance to meet and listen to one of the Philippines' Pro-Life Advocate, Zoe Vidal. I was so starstruck when I saw him - probably it was my secret dream to meet him and a certain Austin Rose, for I admire what they do to defend life.

I admire him for his passion in defending life. His researches, websites that he owned, his stands - everything is overwhelming... yet very inspiring. Hope we could be like him somehow, someday.

Life is from God. And everything that is from God, is important. Let's fight for what is important. Let's fight for what is of God.
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Exciting things are yet to come for CFC KFL!

More mission areas to be opened, schools asking for KFL Club, a Kids Praise Concert, Rosary Rally, Trainings, and a lot more!

There's only 5 of us, but through God's gracious help, we're able to pull it through.

It's because this is God's work, not ours.

And if it's His, then He will provide everything that is needed to fulfill His plan.

So, that means, sooner or later, our team will get bigger! And this time, I claim that brothers will pour in! =)

Kuya Cocoi, Angel, Joanne and Kuh... let's watch how the Lord will unfold His great plans for KFL in us, through us and with us!
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And while planning for my mission area, this funny though came to me:

What is KFL to me?

KFL = Kahit Five Lang, Kasama F(p)alagi si Lord.

haha.... that's corny. =))

I am not Superwoman...

... yes, Khyme, you are not.

So, don't try to be one.

Lola Ipay's 1st Death Anniversary

taken last year when she was in the hospital

Today, it's your 1st Death Anniversary, Lola.

Time flies so quickly. It seems like everything just happened yesterday.

I still miss you.

I still call your name inside your room whenever I visit your house.

I miss you calling me apong.

And letting me eat all the vegetables that you have planted in your garden.

*sigh* Lola, I hope you're happy.

You will always be remembered.

I love you Lola. 

how old is your church?

found this picture on the bulletin board of SM Megamall:

If you could read it at the bottom, it says that all churches were built by humans, except one: the Roman Catholic Church, for it is founded by Jesus Christ, the son of God and has existed for more than 2000 BC.

So which church do you belong? To the one founded by human or to the one founded by the Divine?