my heart is beating so much for the Lord!

My heart is beating with so much joy and love from the Lord!
I am blessed to know Him.
Privilege to experience Him.
And honored to be called by Him.
I love the Lord!

Goodbye, my sweetest addiction.

We met again. It has been a while.
I opened our fridge and saw you inside. I just looked at you, then closed the fridge.
But I guess, you still have me.
I came back again, this time with the goal of getting my hands on you.
I started with one bite. Then another. And another.
Something's wrong, I thought.
So I looked for an expiration date. None.
I thought that i just need another bite. So I took another one.
But it never seemed right. You tasted different.
*   *   *
An addiction you were, my dearest Hershey's.
It was you who was my constant companion
In the ups and downs of mission life in the other side of the world.
I was so into you, that I can finish up to 4 bars in one sitting.
You tasted so good then, my dearest Hershey's.
Being with you became my escape from reality.
Being with you became moments of spontaneity.
You were one of my simple joys.
The bitterness in you, I couldn't taste
For only the sweetness in you that I can recognize.
*   *   *
How can I forget you my dear Hershey's
When I had a lot of good memories with you?
While talking on the phone, or just sitting on the bench on a cold, foggy Tuesday night.
While lying on a bed and bumming around.
On those happy moments when we walked together laughing, humming our favorite song?
Or on those moments that I need a good cry and you just stayed with me?
*   *   *
Now I remember why you tasted differently, my Hershey's.
You tasted so good before not because you do
But because with whom I shared you with.
You were our sweet escape to our little world.
You became one with us, with all the things we shared together.
That made you become extraordinary Hershey's.
But now that he's gone, your sweetness was taken away as well.
You became an ordinary chocolate for me.
I became free of my addiction with you.
I no longer long for you. For I have learned to live without you.
Whenever I see you,
I no longer see you in a special package waiting to be picked up.
I just see an ordinary chocolate, just like the others.
You lose your charm in me. You have lost me.
And i'm glad.
For that means i'm also free from my addiction of him.
I'm free. Yes I am.
From you. And from him.
Goodbye my sweetest addiction.

acceptance is the key.

These days, I was faced with a lot of people who is either: 1) forgot that I just lost a loved one recently or 2) just plain insensitive. I'll give you some examples:

• "Di bale, kahit namatay na yung nanay mo, may makukuha naman kayong pera" (Don't worry, even if your mom died, you'll get some money) - I got this remark a week after my Mom passed away. I got the shock of my life when she said it to me so plainly, so naturally. I wanted to shout at her but doing that would make me worse than her. So I just said, "ay, okay lang po na walang pera basta kasama ko po Mommy ko, okay na ako" (Even if I don't have money, as long as my mom is with me, i'm okay)
• "Magkano kinita ng Nanay mo? Halika, maningil pa tayo!" (How much did your mom earn? Come on, let's look for more!) - I stared at my Mom's cousin who told me this. I wanted to shake her and tell her "Tita, look, my Mom is still in the coffin!" but then, she was so oblivious of the remark she just said and walked away.
• "Alam mo, para magka-pera ka, ibenta mo lahat ng gamit ng Nanay mo. Kikita ka pa!" (You know, if you want to have money, sell your Mom's possessions and you'll earn more!) - My gulay. I cannot believe i'm hearing this, coming from her own sister! I couldn't believe it, words came out just like that. It has been less than a month and yet people talk about her like she has been gone for a long time! Her sister took it back later when I answered her back, but still, the abundance of the heart is what the mouth speaks.

Okay, I am maybe ranting right now. This entry might not be as inspiring as I planned it to be. But I just want to write about these insensitive remarks I got from people; and what's worse is that some of them came from those closest to me, to us, to my Mom. 

One can never move on when you lost someone, most especially if they're one of your parents. You will always remember them, one way or another. In my case, my Mom's unforgettable. Wherever I look here in our home, I can see her - washing plates, ironing, watching tv, cooking, or just smiling. Sometimes, i can still hear her telling me advices or voicing her opinions. It's difficult coz my Mom is a very good person. Even if we fought a lot before, her opinions to my decisions matter a lot. 

Acceptance is the key for you to continue your life even without that special loved one. Yes, I have accepted that Mom's already with the Lord; but still, there are times that I forget, sometimes I was thinking that she's just in Pampanga or Pasay, having her vacation, then it will eventually dawn to me that she's not here anymore. 

It has been 24 days since she went back to God. Sometimes, I still call her name when I get home, hoping she will answer and give me a kiss on the cheek or a welcoming hug. But I guess, that will never come anymore. I can only make her alive once more through our memories. And hoping that, through our memories, I will feel her warmth once more.

And as for those insensitive people around me... well, let my Mom take care of them. just kidding! I guess, i just have to extend my arms to love them more (and not my tongue to curse them). For it is the right thing to do; and let God take care of them. 

God bless the insensitive people.

And may God extend my arms to love and tame my tongue.

about grieving.

how should one grieve?
i really have no idea.
should i cry and wail just like others do?
or just let the tears flow when it wants to be?
let me know.
for i want to grieve but i don't know how.
the emotions are just there.
my heart feels the loss.
but i don't know how to express it.
i couldn't cry for no tears would flow.
i can only smile, laugh and give jokes.
but even though i'm like that,
my heart is crying and breaking into pieces.
it isn't easy to lose someone you love.
most especially if it's your mom.
it may be easier if she wasn't a good mom to us.
BUT SHE WAS! and that makes it harder now.
i miss her. a lot.
sometimes i find myself staring at the wall, flashes of memories running in my mind.
and wishing that she's there to hold my hand.
or listen to my funny stories.
or talk about faith.
or just even scold me.
yes, wishful thinking.
but i know, she's in a place better than here -
she's with our Creator, our God,
who has already taken away all her pain and suffering.
knowing that she's at peace,
even if we're grieving for losing her,
i'm okay. i'm at peace.
but of course, i still miss her.
and even if i know that this blog entry isn't one of my best written entry,
i know that i have poured my heart out here.
something that i couldn't do because i don't know how.
Mom, i just miss you. i hope you're happy. I pray you're at peace.
you will always be remembered, for you have live a life pleasing to God.
thank you for being a good mother to us. and for raising us well.
look after us now that you're with the angels of God.
Mom, take care. hold on to God's hand.
and let Mama Mary embrace you.
do not worry about us. we're okay.
we'll get through.
we will never forget you.
and we will always love you.
Ma. Mom. Mudra.
I miss you.

I'm missing you, Mom.

a song for my Mom.
*can't find a more decent video, but i find this cute. :)
love you Mom. i miss you so much.

i'm missing you by meja

I miss your love, since you've been gone
I find it hard to go on
The summer sky don't mean a thing
I thought I'd always be strong
I got a feeling inside
and it's making my heart cry, cause

I'm missing you
and it's making me blue, yeah
I'm missing you
but what can I do
Thousand miles away, from you

So here I am, and everything's new
I should be happy in love
but all I know, I look deep in my eyes
I've never felt so alone
and this feeling inside
it's making my heart cry, cause

I'm missing you
and it's making me blue, yeah
I'm missing you
but what can I do
Thousand miles away, from you

So what's the meaning of this
to be living like this
it ain't no fun at all
I wonder where are you now
(I wonder where are you now)

I miss your love since you been gone
I find it hard to go on
and this feeling inside
I just break down and cry