fear.

around 1:20 am today, while doing the secretariat for WKC, something happened to me. I was so afraid that I was really crying while praying. and my prayer was just so simple: asking Jesus to take away my fear and Mama Mary to embrace me to assure me that everything will be alright. i am so afraid. even now that i'm typing this blog, I am still crying. it's more difficult coz it happened while everyone's sleeping.

i have so many instances that i became so afraid before. but i think this is one of those i fear most. argh.

so i guess the first thing i have to do later is do what i fear most. yes, i will follow your advice, ate des.

please pray for me. i don't know if i can do it, but i have to. for my own sanity. and then, i'll blog about it after.

"for I know that my God is with me."

going back to Costa Rica for 5 minutes!

Last Friday, in between meetings and things to do, Marie and I had a chance to do something that we've been planning for several weeks: call Tia Margarita and greet her on her birthday!

It was funny though, coz even if we have planned it for a long time, on the day itself, we both forgot our phone book. So i have to dig my memory box to remember Tia Margarita's number. After guessing a couple of numbers, we have agreed on one number that sounded familiar for both of us. I dialled the number and when someone picked up the phone at the other line, I nervously said "Hola? Buenas Noches! Este es la casa de Margarita Lainez?" (Hi? Good evening! Is this the house of Margarita Lainez?". I was nervous since it's already past 11 pm in Costa Rica and we're not sure if someone will answer and if it's Tia Margarita's house. Anyway, after the question, there was a long pause. I thought the other line put down the phone until a familiar voice said "Kaimy?" Oh yes! We got the right number! "Tiaaaa Margarita!!!" I started screaming in the phone! Excitement. Joy. Relieved. That's how I felt at that moment I screamed.

So we talked, updated each other's lives, and Marie and I even sang a Happy Birthday song for her! For a while, I thought I was gonna cry. I felt that in that 5 minutes we were talking with Tia, I was back in Costa Rica once again. Flashes of good memories with Tia and her family and with the MPC there came back. And I had this strong desire to go back there at that moment and give them a big, bear hug.

*   *   *

It has been exactly 14 months today since I arrived in the Philippines from a 2 year foreign mission in Costa Rica. And since then, I tried my best to stay in contact with them. Since I am not an email person, I do call them on their birthdays and special occasions (even if it's sooo expensive) just to let them know that I haven't forgotten them. 

Costa Rica became a home for Marie and I even if there were a few of not-so-good memories there. But even if there were, you don't focus on those things. You focus more on the good memories and experiences you had on your stay there. You focus on how God revealed Himself through the people you met there. You focus on the lessons you have learned through the hardships you have gone through during your stay there.

*   *   *

Days prior to the phone call, I was invited in facebook by an SFL (Singles for Family and Life) from Costa Rica to attend an event, and when I saw the event, it was their then-upcoming CLS (Christian Life Seminar). And then I saw their picture. I can't help but get teary-eyed. I remembered those times when we were starting SFL there. A lot of tears, heart breaks and painful memories along the way. And seeing them doing it now with so much passion... who could have thought that these men and women who were in the point of giving up on SFL before we left were the ones moving around to invite other single men and women to experience God through SFL? Amazing! Yes, amazing how God works! Amazing how He has made their hearts turn 360* back to Him. Amazing how He is using these people, who has been the crosses we were carrying before, to be the ones carrying the crosses of other people. Amaze of their transformation!

I then remembered one of my conversations with Marie during our one-on-one household - it was at the moment when we were both disappointed of what's happening around us and we were in the verge of just packing our bags and go home; that maybe, our purpose there is not to see the fruit but just cultivate the seed. We were not the first ones to plant the seed, someone did it for us in the past; when we came, we were God's assistant gardeners - we were there to cultivate, to give food, to water them. Sometimes, we need to uproot some weeds to assure that the plants will get healthy; sometimes there were resistance with this, to the point that the healthy plant goes with the weed and die. And you can't do anything but just cultivate the other healthy plants. Sometimes, it's frustrating not to see any flower nor fruit growing. You did your best but it's not bearing. At one point, it was dying. Until it's time to go. And you have to leave. And you can't do anything but just surrender the garden tools to the main gardener and just walk away. Because your work is done. It's time's up for you.

At first, you don't understand. Why you're not bearing fruit. At what aspect you did wrong. You gave your all but it's not enough. Then you'll see that someone is reaping the fruit. Your doubts to yourself started to build up again. And since it's eating you, you went to your knees and told Him this heart breaking reality: "Why Lord? I did my best... but..??" then you'll hear that small, still voice talking from the deepest corners of your heart "My daughter, what did I tell you? I just told you to water my plants; feed them; cultivate them. I didn't tell you that they will bear fruit nor you will see them bear fruit. I just told you to take care of them. And you did. And you have done your part. That's why I pulled you out from there, because your work is already finished. You have done your job." Then, that's when everything seems to make sense. All the pain, tears and hardships that you faced there were seen in a different light, and you'll realized that it's all worth it. That you have to go through those things, even to the point of breaking you, so that you can be made whole once more. And that process is necessary so that the next process will take place. 

Marie and I were the process. We were the ones blessed to experience all the difficult moments of taking care of these "plants". I'm glad we became part of it. I'm glad we were chosen for the job. I'm glad we came out as stronger individuals. And i'm glad that through out the whole process, our Master gardener was with us, guiding every action that we need to make, teaching us what to do with His plants.

I will never exchange my Costa Rican experience to anything. It was an honor, a pleasure, a privilege to serve in this area at that specific moment in my life. I believed I was hand picked by my God to be there, to be used by Him to bring His Good News to those who don't know Him yet. 

Sometimes, the success of what you do isn't measure by how many graduated from the camps and CLS that you do, but how many lives were really converted because they have personally experienced God through these activities. And I believe, that even if we didn't produce a lot during our time, we have inspired with the personal testimony of how God worked in our lives those who are working in the vineyard of the Lord there. And for me, that is evangelization. That is transformation. That is being a real witness.

*   *   *

Going back to Tia Margarita, It was just a short 5-minute conversation. ON those 5 minutes, we were transformed into Spanish-speaking individuals again. On those 5 minutes, we traveled back to our home for two years of our life. On those 5 minutes, we were reminded on how God's mercy and gracious love used us to touched lives there.  And even if calling to Costa Rica's a little expensive, if that's the only way to remind me of God's amazing transformation of my life, I am willing to spend a lot just for that. For nothing is expensive when it comes to the one you love; and when it comes to my God, I am all out; coz for Him, it cost His life just to show His great love for me.

with Tia Margarita on New Year's eve 2008

time-out to blog.

I'm in the middle of many things while writing this blog. I'm a little stressed. So much to do with so little time. it's our WKC next weekend and still, a lot has to be done. Registration, PFOs. follow up the areas... thinking about it makes me dizzy.

But still, I found time to blog. I want to de-stress myself (is there such a word?). I stopped for awhile to relax and do something different. So I could do more. So I could be more of use.
*   *   *
This morning, I had the chance to spend time with my mom for breakfast. She has been complaining for some days now that I don't have time for her anymore since I'm busy. It was difficult to focus on what she was saying since my mind is busy thinking about WKC. And then I realized that i'm not really into the whole situation. My body is there present, but my mind is wandering off somewhere. I almost anger her because of this. it's a good thing that I realized it sooner before that happened.
*   *   *
sometimes, we busy ourselves doing so many things but realizing in the end that it's not important after all.
we place so many things-to-do in our schedule so we can say that we're busy.
or spending so much in the internet realizing that after so many hours, you haven't accomplished anything.
talking to someone on the phone for a long time and when you finish your conversation, you'll realized that you wasted talking nonsense after all.

We based our self-worth because of the things that we do. We let what we do defines us as a person. But we forget that this is not the reason of having a life worth living. if you want to live a happy and meaningful life, value what's REALLY important: family, relationships and God.
*   *   *
Going back to WKC mode.

almost a month ago, we (the KFL girls) were surprised to know that everything that we have worked for how many month for the WKC will be changed. My first reaction was a loud "HUWAAAATTT???" after Joanne told me about it. We're really excited of the first plan that we have actually build everything around it. But God has something else on His mind after all.

The changes made were far different from what we had planned. As in back to zero. It's like "how are we gonna do these in less than a month???". Yes, it seems impossible to plan for a conference with a little time. There are so many things to consider. There are many things needed to prepare. But I think, amidst all these preparations we're doing, is the preparation of ourselves.
*   *   *
The other day, I found out that someone close to me is living a double life. I was heart-broken to know about it (even until now). I just realized that even if you spend a lot of time together, even if you talk a lot, share a lot, it doesn't guarantee that you really know each other.

I just remembered what my guy best friend told me before (when we had a fight): "Hindi porket nagkwekwento sa iyo, ay may karapatan ka ng make-elam sa buhay niya (Not because that person always shares with you, that you have a reason to meddle with his/her life)" .
*   *   *
"Am I living a double life as well?" was the thought that's going through my head now. It's a difficult thing to lead two different lives. I know the feeling, I have been there. i though I could hide it until I die. I thought I could live in darkness and light. I thought I could pull it off. But when you already know God, you cannot hide anything. And He will bring anything in darkness to light. And when He does, you will be humiliated, you will suffer the consequences. But the great news is, you will not be in bondage anymore. You will live a free life, just because God has set you free from the chains of sin.

I'm glad i'm not living a double life anymore as I prepare for the WKC. God can't use us fully if we still have impurities in our lives. We'll have a hard time listening to His voice, or to be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit. It'll be difficult for us to enjoy God's blessings because we are always on the look-out, if anyone's watching every move we make.

Living in darkness may give you delight at first, but believe me, it's not a place where you want to stay all your life. It's not worth it at all. But living a life in light, a pure and righteous life may be difficult but I will bet everything that I have, that it's the best life that you can have. Because it's the life that God has for us. So grab it, live it, because God has given it already to us when He gave His son and died for the cross.
*  *  *
I'm going back to work in a while. I'm glad I had this chance to blog. And as we continue to prepare for the WKC, I am very excited, looking forward for the next days to come. Coz I know that in the middle of these sudden changes and busy schedules, He will see us through. It's all in the matter of looking at things. And it's all about our personal relationship with God.

When we work for the Lord, let's remember that it's not all about us doing the work, but it's all about God working through us!

Be blessed! Live. Love. Light.

childhood friends

went to Project 7 to visit my childhood best friend after not seeing each other for 5 or more than years. and when my other childhood friends knew I was there, they went over the house and hang-out together for 5 hours! as much as I didn't want to leave, my duty calls. (next time uli!)

just happy that I was able to spend time with you guys! don't ever upload the videos ha! nakakahiya na nakakatawa! :))

Kababatang Edmon with inaanak na Aaron

 

Si Aryan at ang bebe nila Intal

Bestfriend Tin-tin at ang anak niyang 1 1/2 yrs old daw pero mukhang 3 y/o

alto best friends for life

makulit!

at ng buhayin ang dating ako (pero mas gusto ko pa rin ang AKO ngayon)

Makakalimutin ako. Tanong niyo pa ang mga malalapit kong kaibigan kung gaano kalala ang pagiging makakalimutin ko. Minsan, nakakainis na pero minsan, may advantage din. Di bale, wino-work out naman namin ni Tito Gary (our resident counselor!) kung paano maibalik ang aking memory lalo na yung mga binura na. (ibang kwento naman yun).

Dahil nga sa sakit kong makakalimutin, maraming mga nangyari sa buhay ko na di ko na matandaan.  Daig ko pa ata ang mga lolo sa dami  ng aking memory lapses ko. Minsan, natatandaan ko kung tutulungan mo akong alalahanin siya. Pero kung mag-isa lang ako, madalas wala akong naaalala. Kaya nga ang best friend ko, minsan iniisip niya na gumagawa na lang siya ng kwento pag magkasama kami kasi lagi na lang na parang bagong kwento para sa akin lahat ng kwinekwento niya. Gets mo na ba ang picture?

*   *   *

Nung isang buwan, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makita at maka-hang-out yung best friend ko nung high school, si Lorraine, pagkatapos ng graduation namin 15 years na ang nakakalipas. Actually, nagkikita naman kami sa UST nito nung college, pero wala naman time na magkasama dahil magkaiba kami ng college nun. Puro phone calls lang. Nung asa Costa Rica naman ako, madalas kami nagcha-chat dahil siguro kami lang dalawa ang nagkakaabutan sa chat room (asa Dubai kasi siya nun) at nakakapag-update naman kami sa buhay ng bawat isa. Kaya nung nasabi niyang uuwi siya sa Pinas, nagkasundo kami na magkita kami kahit anong mangyari. At praise God, nagkita nga kami.

*   *   *

Syempre, kapag 15 years na kayong di nagkita, kahit ba nagcha-chat kayo, ang lagi niyo pa ring pag-uusapan ay yung mga memories niyo nung magkasama kayo. so, it’s-all-about-high-school ang drama naming nung nagkita kami. At nagulat ako. Dahil andami niyang pinaalala sa akin na ginawa ko nung grade 6 at high school, na talagang nakalimutan ko na, gaya ng:

• -          Nakipag-sabunutan ako sa kaklase kong lalaki nung grade 6 at hinamon ng suntukan dahil tinaas ang palda ko at sinipulan ako (na muntik na akong di maka-graduate ng elementary dahil sa kanya)
• -          Nung 1^st yr naman, super favourite ako ng Religion teacher namin. Paano kasi, every other class ata, lagi na lang ako napapatayo sa klase ng buong period sa sobrang daldal. O kaya naman, tulog. O kumakain. Basta kung anu-ano ginagawa. Minsan, bigla na lang sumugod yung teacher namin isang recess, ng malaman niyang ako daw ang nagpasimuno ng panunukso sa kanya dun sa isa naming Teacher sa Araling Panlipunan (na sinasabi niyang best friend lang daw sila). At dahil hindi niya mapatunayan na ako nga yung nagkalat ng chismis, pinakanta na lang niya ako ng “No man is an island” nung sumunod na klase namin sa kanya. (di naming maalala kung ako nga yung nagpasimula nun)
• -          Napabarkada ako sa isa naming classmate na transferee. Actually, kasing-edad siya ng ate ko at kick-out ng Kostka. At dahil mataray at siga siya, walang gustong makipag-kaibigan sa kanya. At dahil sa tabi ko siya umupo, wala akong choice kundi kaibiganin siya. Hanggang sa naging close na kami. Hanggang sa magkasama na kami sa kalokohan: cutting classes, matulog ng nakabukas ang mata, mang-trip ng mga teachers, sumulat ng prank notes, mag-vandal at kung anu-ano pa. Buti na lang, isang taon lang siya sa school namin, kung hindi malamang, na-kick out na rin ako nun.
• -          Nung 2^nd yr naman ata ang may pinaka-marami kong kalokohan. Andyan yung hi-nunting ako ng isang pop group sa school ng malaman nilang naging barkada kami nung kaaway nila, tapos ilang beses pinatawag ang ate ko (hindi ko pinapapunta ang nanay ko, kasi lagot ako kaya  ate ko na lang) dahil lagi akong nadadawit sa away ng iba at nung tinanong ko yung isa kong teacher na “buntis po ba kayo?” eh matandang dalaga yun at di pa niya nage-get over ang pagbre-break nila ng boy friend niya 3 months ago (at naghurementado talaga siya dahil sa tanong na yun at tumakbo talaga ako palabas dahil natakot ako sa sobra niyang galit), mga madalas na cutting classes at laging dahilan ay “clinic po” (hanggang nag-duda na ang Biology teacher naming kaya pinapahatid-sundo na niya ako sa clinic nun), at taga-gawa ako ng love letters ng mga kaklase kong tibo na may bayad ng Php 20 kada sulat. Minsan, kung di naman love letters, assignment naman, o kaya ihahanap ko sila ng lyrics ng kanta at bayad ang kapalit.
• -          3^rd year naman nung naranasan kong batuhin ako ng Math teacher ko ng chalk sa bibig sa sobrang daldal, at dahil sa sulsol ng mga kaklase, nag-mega drama ako sa klase at walk-out (sabay iyak) na may pagbabantang papatanggal ko siya ng lisensiya. Yun din yung panahong naimpluwensiyahan ako ng ate ko mag-pluck ng kilay kaya kahit bawal at lagi ako napapatawag sa OSA, laging isang linya lang ang kilay ko nun with matching mild red lipstick. Natapos na ako sa paggawa ng assignment ng iba, ang pinababayad ko naman nun ay ang pangongopya at mga kodigo. at minsan, nagpa-huli akong dumadaldal ng minsang nanunuod kami ng isang play sa Auditorium para patayuin ako sa may likod dahil nakita ko yung crush kong artista (kilala niyo ba si Richard Quan? Dko nga alam kung bakit ko naging crush yun). At nung pinapa-upo na ako, ayoko pa rin kasi nagkwe-kwentuhan na kami ni Richard nun, kaya hinila pa ako ng teacher ko nun para umupo.
• -          At nung 4^th yr, hindi pa rin natigil. Muntik na akong hindi maka-graduate dahil yung teacher naming sa Araling Panlipunan (na bestfriend daw ng Religion teacher namin), nahuli kaming nagdadaldalan ng seatmate ko. At nung pangatlong beses na, sa sobrang irita sa amin, pinapunta kami sa OSA nun. Nag-resist pa kami dahil ini-insist naming na related naman sa subject namin ang pinag-uusapan namin (at nagbigay pa kami ng examples! Eh samantalang boys at fashion lang naman ang topic namin nun). nag-drama pa kami sa OSA officer nun dahil nga tri-neath kmi na di kami ga-graduate. Kaya sobrang inis sa amin nung prof naming ng di kami kinasuhan ng OSA at makaka-graduate kami.

Hindi naman ako ang pinaka-pasaway na estudyante nun sa batch ko, pero hindi rin ako yung pinaka-mabait. Kung kilala mo kami ni Lorraine nun, magtataka ka kung bakit kami mag-best friend. Oo, parehas kaming madaldal pero gang dun na lang ang pagkakaparehas naming. Kung siya teachers’ pet, ako teachers’ enemy. Kung siya laging asa safe side, ako laging nadadawit sa gulo ang pangalan. Kung siya laging honor student, ako, average lang kasi ayoko ngang mag-aral. At kung siya takot sa school rules, ako laging nag-iisip ng paraan pano mabe-bend ito.

*   *   *

“kaya di ako makapaniwalang missionary ka ngayon, Khyme.” Yan ang sabi sa akin ni Lorraine pagkatapos naming alalahanin at pagtawanan yung mga kalokohan ko dati.

“paano, Khyme? Paano ka nagbago at ngayon, nagpre-praise the Lord ka na?” Natawa ako sa term niyang praise the Lord. Pero oo nga, paano ba ako nagbago? Napaisip din ako. kwinento ko yung nag-youth camp ako pagka-graduate ng high school at simula nun, nagbago na lahat. Iniisip ko dahil ba mababait yung mga kasama ko? O dahil nabigyan ako ng break na maging mabuti at gumawa ng extra-ordinary things? O dahil sa maraming bagong taong nakilala?

Hanggang sa ang nasabi ko na lang “siguro, sobra lang akong mahal ng Diyos na kinalimutan niya lahat ng kalokohan ko at tinanggap niya ako ng buong-buo. Kaya di na ako kumawala. Dahil hindi na niya ako pinakawalan.” Totoo, siguro kung hindi ko naramdaman yung sobra-sobrang pagmamahal ng Diyos sa buhay ko, kahit sobra akong maloko, hindi siguro ako misyonaryo ngayon. Baka napariwa na rin ang buhay ko gaya ng iba naming batch mates, baka marami na rin akong panganay, baka isa na rin akong addict. Kung di sa pagmamahal ng Diyos ko, kung hindi ko naramdaman ang pagpapatawad niya sa akin, di ko alam kung nasaan na ako ngayon.

*   *  *

Nung gabi ring iyon, naisama ko siya sa CTK Assembly at hinayaan kong ma-experience niya ang kagalingan ng Diyos dun sa Prayer Meeting na ‘yun. Hindi man niya ganun naintindihan ng lubusan dahil bago pa lang siya sa mga ganitong bagay, naniniwala ako na nag-work na sa kanya ang Espiritu ng Diyos ko. Naalala ko lang turo sa akin ng isa sa mga mentor ko dati, si Ate Yeng, na dalhin mo lang ang isang tao sa isang prayer meeting at bahala na si God mag-work sa kanya. Ang trabaho mo lang, dalhin siya.  Kaya naniniwala ako na yung CTK Assembly na yun ay pagtatanim na sa puso niya ng buto ng pananampalataya. At bahala na si God mag-cultivate nun.

At yung mga kalokohan ko? Hindi ako proud na nagawa ko yan pero sinulat ko talaga yan, para maipakita na kahit sino pwede magbago. May rason kung bakit ko siya nakalimutan at bakit ngayon, kelangan ko siyang maalala ng lubusan. Pero okay lang. Kapag binabasa ko ‘to, laging pinapaalala sa akin kung gaano kagaling ang Diyos ko, na kaya niyang baguhin ang kahit sino ng kanyang pagmamahal at pagpapatawad, na walang nakaraan na hindi niya pwedeng kalimutan para gamitin ka niya sa mission na ibinigay niya sa iyo. Hindi ako proud sa mga kalokohan ko, pero proud ako na nabago ako ng Diyos ko. At patuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagbabagong ginagawa niya hanggang sa maging katulad ko na Siya.