Goodbye, Jasmine.

taken last year, during her parent's CLS

her family: Tatay Jun, Nanay Jaque and Ate Jewel

You were such a charming girl, Jasmine.

The first time I saw you last year, during the CLS of your parents,

you already captured me.

I asked your name, you just smiled and went away.

But later, you came back and told me "Ate, Ako si Jasmine. Ikaw anong pangalan mo?" 

Ever since then, we became friends.

I looked forward seeing you every CLS.

I don't know what you had, but chatting with you makes me feel relaxed. And it's fun.

You asked a lot and had many interesting explanations on things.

Just like when you were at our house one time, when our Moms had one-on-one with each other.

I was tasked to take care of you.
So as not to bore you with TV alone, I taught you how to make a rosary.

And amazingly, at 4-years old, you learned fast.

You even shared to me a lot about you during that moment 

- that you pray the rosary every night and even recited the Hail Mary to me

- that the scar on your head which was actually caused by surgery of your brain tumor, became a source of inspiration to me by the way you understood it (Ate, hiniwa yung ulo ko kasi may kinuha sila. Tapos nakita ko si Jesus, nakaputi, niyakap niya ako kasi iyak ako ng iyak tapos nawala yung sakit. Gumaling yung sugat ko kasi laging kini-kiss yan ni Mommy)

- that you love your Ate Jewel a lot and she will be your best friend forever

- that you want to serve the Lord and would like to attend a KFL Assembly

- that you wanted to become a Doctor someday, to cure sick kids like you.

After that night, Jasmine, I could never forget you.

You have touched my heart in a very special way.

Whenever we see each other in church or in the street,

you always run to me and gives me a real-tight hug before saying "Hi Ate Khyme! kumusta ka na?"

Even if you were already starting your chemo once more, your vibrant character was never affected.

You still always had that ready smile that says "Don't worry, everything will be alright."

I remember last Christmas, when we invited your family and Ate Imelda's family as well, to have Noche Buena in our house.

You told me "Ate Khyme, first time ko po kakain ng maraming pagkain sa Pasko. Salamat po sa inyo."

And we even sang with our videoke until the wee hours of morning.

It was one of the most wonderful Christmas I ever had.

Sharing with other families and yes, my last Christmas with you and Mom.

Awww.. Jasmine, I will miss you.

The last time I saw you in mass months ago, you told me "Ate, love ka ni Lord. Ako din, love Niya kaya gagaling ako." when I asked you how was your feeling.

You inspired me.

And even if tears are flowing while writing this, I still want to praise God.

For He has allowed me to meet an Angel like you.

Thank you for touching my life, Jasmine.

And even if you only lived for a short time in this world, I believe you have lived your life well.

I know you're in the safest place where my Mom is - beside our Father God in heaven.

As you take your place in His kingdom, please say Hi to my Mom. Talk to her just as you would talk to your Mom here.

And don't be sad anymore Jasmine, for you'll no longer feel the pain.

And just look over your family here.

Be safe. Be at peace.

Thank you for being a good example of faith for me.And for the good memories. 

Good bye Jasmine. I will surely miss you.

don't sleep on your problems

when you sleep on your problems, it won't solve any.
it's still there when you wake up.
worse, the problem has multiplied.
don't sleep either over a fight with a friend.
if you could fix it before you rest, then do so.
most especially if you're sleeping together for the night.
everything can be solved with calm communication and an open heart.
talk about it. settle it. just don't sleep on it.
*sigh* oh well, you can't force everybody to do the right thing.

love never fails

Sometimes, I wonder... if everyone of us will just treat each person we meet with great compassion, see them with love, then maybe life would be better. And this world will be a better place to live.

Yes, we were given that privilege. I bet, when God created us, He has that in mind and gave us a a lot of love to be consumed and to be shared. He loved us so much He gave us free will and reason that makes us different from all living things. But sin crept in. And this is always the stumbling block between experiencing an awesome life because of great love and a miserable life that is covered with selfishness and negativity.

It is not an easy task to decide to love. It's still an effort even to those people close to you. It's an everyday commitment we have to make, most especially to those who need it most. And I think we can only love if we learn how to love ourselves first and seek that unconditional love to the ultimate source - God, for God is love and love is God.

Today, I will strive to love again. This may not be an easy task for it may give me more heartaches and might be rejected in the process. But it's not about me... it's about sharing the love I have received from God. I am loved, therefore, it's just right to share that love. For it never fails.

reality bites

Reality bites. And it hurts, most especially on those times that you're not prepared.

But sometimes, we need reality to bite us to bring us back to sanity. For our own good. 

*   *   *

It bit a friend recently when an ex-love found a new love.

I saw how hurt my friend was. For I was the one tasked to deliver the message.

And I wonder...

Am I ready to face that kind of reality in the near future?

To see an ex-love find someone else, a new love that is not me?

*   *   *

On my way to the office this morning, I found myself thinking of that 'ex-love'.

I saw him again. After a long time.

He's still doing the same things as before. The same things I fell in love with.

And hate at the same time.

His sluggishness. His pride. His stubbornness. His tactless personality. His indifference.

I have loved these things about him before.

But seeing him doing these things now, made me realized

I really don't like it. It turns me off. Big time.

Reality bit me. But it was okay. it didn't hurt. It was good, actually.

*   *   *

More realities that bit me the past few days:

• a respectable person who made that insensitive remark.
• a friend who cheated on her thesis (but did the right thing after our talk and some reflection)
• the 300 kids (from 6 to 12 years old) in one room with only 5 of us to handle.
• the new love I found with a couple coordinator whom before, I found them insensitive 
• that my role in our household may not be ME to be nourished, but I contribute to the nourishment to our household (both for household head and members)
• I really don't like expensive stuffs. If I will be eating a Lamb burger, it should be given to me or I really deserve it to buy one.
• the burden of telling the people of my concerns a.k.a problem about them.
• if i want a toxic-free life, spend less time with toxic people and do less of toxic stuffs.
• talk to the right people. talking to everyone who 'appears' to be concern (daw!) isn't healthy and may be the one to spread the news (or the gossip for that matter).
• and trust the people who really cares for you. what they do (or say) is always for your own good.

*   *   *

Excerpts from our weekly Full-time Pastoral Workers' Coordination Meeting last Monday:

• "Everyone has an unspoken hunger to know and experience God, so we should always be ready to inject God in everything"
• "To be a Full-time Pastoral Worker means being a Missionary all the time"
• "There should be no dichotomy on what we do and who we are, for there should a fusion of both, that is called INTEGRITY"
• "Everyone has a struggle. It's how you face it. And the good thing is you're not facing it alone. For you are facing it with God."
• "Let God shine!"

And my prayer for the week:

Lord, bring me back to memories and experiences that will remind me of how great You are in my life, Amen.

For my God and my future family, I will endure the pain.

Again, it's the time of the month in a girl's life

where you become more irritated and snobbish to everyone.

But for me, it's more than that.

Add the agonizing pain I have to endure for the first two days.

It's either I drugged myself with a lot of pain reliever

or just let myself sleep and endure the pain.

My doctor said there's cure: sex or pills.

Either way, I can't. And I won't.

Sex. I'll go to that when I get married.

But with pills, I can't. And I won't.

Not anymore.

I tried drinking 33 pills before but side effects were worse. 

And I don't want to risk my future pregnancies.

So until I get married, I have to endure the pain. 

I have to drink a lot more pain relievers and lie down and sleep on it.

I love my life. For this is a gift to me. And what I do with it is my gift to the ONE who gave it to me.

And I choose to endure the pain rather than do crazy things to hurt my God and my future family.

*but how many times more?*