A new year, a new beginning.

my new home:
https://kymies3.wordpress.com
a fresh start for my 2011!

Happy new year! Be blessed!

it's about you... AGAIN.

I've talked about you again. Twice. Though I promised myself and to God that I will never talk about you again (but only with Him, of course), I had to. Those two people who asked me deserved to know about you. The first, was because I was obliged to do so. And the second was, because she's one of the few who knew about us ever since.

Sharing about you again makes me feel uneasy. Maybe because you're already an old chapter that should have been completely forgotten. Or a beautiful nightmare that I was allowed to experience. T'was difficult to open up an old wound. The pain's not there, of course. But the memories of how I got that wound, how stupid I was to get that wound if I could have avoid it in the first place... And I believe you're not even worth of my time. Since you've already kicked me out of your life... by force.

It's a daily struggle though to pretend that I don't see you. Or if I do, pretend that I don't know you. Or we're simply just not friends. Sometimes I do wonder, that whenever we get the chance to talk or joke around, do you still remember that we even become friends. Or if you even remember what happened last year when we had THAT conversation. Sometimes I do wonder, if THAT day would still ever come that we can even be friends again just like before. But a lot of times, I give up on that. I do not hope anymore, unlike before.

I'm okay with how we are right now. I don't mind if we don't talk or hang-out in the same circle. It's better to be like this - safe, and unknown to everyone (okay, maybe they know but I just don't care) what we've gone through. Sometimes it's still difficult, 'coz I know that it's not right that i'm feeling this indifference with you (or trying to). But this is what I know that is right for now. Complicated, yes. But that's how it is to be.

They asked me if there's anything that happened between us before. I don't know how to answer that. I can't even label our relationship - if we're friends, close friends, special friends or just simply co-worker. Maybe it's just me? Or maybe there's something? I don't know. I just want to have a quiet life, and hopefully this will be the last time that I will talk about you again.

celebrate even the small victories!

just finished cleaning my room. a small victory, maybe, but still it's a victory! something i have to be thankful for.

so what's the big deal with cleaning my room?

when i was young, my mom always tells us that our room represents the state of our minds. a clean environment helps you think better. and a cluttered one will make everything worse.

for days now, my room was a total mess. just as how i was.

but yesterday, i got inspired. with an unlikely person and event. it's not even related to cleaning my room, but it made me think that if this person can still manage to smile despite of the difficult times she's experiencing right now, why can't i? then, i started thinking of things that i have to fix in my life so that i can smile again. genuine smile.

then i thought of my room.

i'm not yet finished though, (since i need a day or two to throw some stuffs) but i'm glad i've started it already. it is something i've been putting off for some quite time now, just like the things (and some issues) that i have to finish. at least, a better-looking room means a better environment to think. and hopefully will take away the emo in me.

what do you do when you terribly miss someone?

with mom on her last birthday, May 27, 2010

It was me who had the crying bouts over missing Mom last week. One reason why I felt stuck. I missed her terribly. She was a superwoman. She had all the answers. She knows what's best. And she was the life on our home.

And now, just minutes ago, my brother went up in my room, crying like a little baby because he misses Mom. He wanted to see her. to talk to her. to be with her. And even if I tried my best to comfort him, I know that it wouldn't change the feeling of loss my brother is feeling at that moment.

So how do you deal with moments like this?

It's difficult. Sometimes, I just want to pretend she's out of town, or just living at my sister's house. But she isn't. Facing the reality everyday that she's not with us anymore is difficult; only through God's grace that we're able to cope up with the loss.

Speaking to her in prayer and writing in my journal sometimes help. But on those times that I want to hug her, or I need a sound advice or just share my day with her... I don't know. I just cry, I just pray and ask Mama Mary to embrace me and my family in times like this, and embrace my Mom too for us.

Difficult times. But only God can get us through. In His time, we'll be fully okay.

one more chance

When you give another chance to a person who has hurt you before, be ready also to take the risk of this person hurting you again. and again. and again.
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I'm giving another chance to someone once more. I know it's a risk, after all the hurts and betrayal that happened, who wants to take chance on the possibility of experiencing it again?

Marie once told me that i'm stubborn when it comes on giving another chance to those people who repeatedly hurt and betrayed me. How couldn't I, if I myself, is given, not only one chance but many more chances by the people I hurt? by the people I love? by my heavenly God? I'm just paying it forward, all the graces and mercy I continuously receive; and if they will hurt me again, i'll just remember that, a lot of times I also hurt my god but despite of this, He keeps on forgiving me and receiving me once more into His arms. And this, will help me to love this person who has hurt me, again.

I just pray that I won't get tired of doing this over and over again.